She So Funny

 

It’s been a challenging time.  (Is it ever not?)  I enrolled in a study that is seeking to learn how to best help people stop or cut down on cigarette smoking.  Oy.  I’m a tough case.

 

I look back, and I think I went from thumb-sucking to cigarette smoking.  In my twenties, I stopped smoking with the help of a group.  I managed to not smoke for eight months.  Then after a very traumatic experience, I smoked again.  Right back to a pack (and then some) a day. 

 

A few years later, I tried to stop on my own using whatever I learned in the group.  This time I stopped for ten months.  Then I started sinking in a number of ways.  Got involved in a relationship that was not good for me and started back smoking at the same time.  Double-fucked, and not in any kind of good way.

 

Since then, any time I tried to stop smoking, I never got through the third day.  As time went on, I couldn’t get through one full day and night.

So in my recent efforts, I had soooooo much anxiety before my goal date.  I told my best buddy that not smoking might turn out easier than the anxiety I’m going through anticipating it. 

 

I was smoking anywhere from 20 to 30 cigarettes a day.  On my first day of trying to not smoke, I smoked five cigarettes.  I bought them loose.  I was not too pleased with myself because I was aiming for zero.  The next day, I woke up with easier breathing.  That felt encouraging.  Yet on day two, I smoked nine cigarettes.  I still enjoy smoking cigarettes.  I wish I didn’t, but I do.

 

When I’m outside and smell someone else’s cigarette, it doesn’t repel me.  I still like it.  I look forward to getting where it would gross me out.  Not there.

 

Both of those days were hard to endure, and I was proud for not buying a pack and getting back to 20 - 30 cigarettes which I could do easily.  Too easily.

 

By day three, I wanted a bottle of wine (something I was avoiding because of the cigarette smoking that accompanies drinking for me) and a pack of cigarettes.  I compromised.  I bought a small bottle and several loose cigarettes.  I am grateful to the stores that take the risk to do that.  It helps with cutting down.  If I had a whole pack in the house, I’d smoke the whole pack.  So I’m sorry they catch hell for breaking the rules, but I’m glad they do it.  On day three, I smoked twelve cigarettes.  I was not pleased with myself, but tried not to get on my case too much because that doesn’t help.  Each of the first three days was way better than what my normal has been.

 

On day four, I did laundry which requires me to go back and forth to the laundromat three times (they took the seats away to discourage people from staying inside since the pandemic).  It’s about three blocks away, so back and forth three times is 18 blocks.  It helped that my breathing felt improved.  It is encouraging that I can feel the difference.

 

My goal for day four was to improve on day three’s number.  I did, but not by much.  My cigarette total that day was eleven.

 

My friend and former co-worker, Mindy Levokove, spoke of progress as opposed to perfection when speaking on teaching and students.  Recalling that helped me feel less disappointed with myself.

 

If I could smoke only five cigarettes a day, I doubt I’d try to stop.  But as my buddy said to me, “You seem to be an all-or-nothing gal.”  It’s true.  He knows me well and for over 35 years.  He’s glad to see me trying more than he’s seen in a very long time.

 

Another wonderful, long-time friend who I love, Judy, told me she prays each day for me to be able to stop smoking.  Just knowing that she does makes me feel her love.  ❤

By day five, I feel my mind changing a bit.  I don't feel as obsessed with cigarettes.  Well, at some moments I really do, but not the majority of the time.  I do feel somewhat proud of having had four days behind me of not smoking anywhere near what I had been smoking.  I hope I keep it up.  Please, people, do not think of this as a done deal.  It isn't.  I don't feel past the beginning nor guaranteed to make it past the beginning.

It’s a struggle.  I can only say I’m still trying.  

 

So much love to CGG-M ❤❤❤

Mindy Matijasevic, May 2021