A Commentary on My Commentary

I was asked by the producer if I could attend a commentary on a film I was in since it is getting attention by a distribution company.  It was for a Friday night, and I actually was available.  I wrote back, “Yes, yes, yes,” and I asked for the details.  Nothing.  Then as the evening was approaching, I contacted him and said I never got the details – time, address, etc.  He said, “I thought you couldn’t come.”

Now, I know when women say “NO” it is sometimes interpreted by men as “Yes.”  But here I said, “Yes, yes, yes,” and he thought I said no.  Go figure.  It made me wonder if maybe he didn’t want me there for the commentary.  He sent me the details though never answered one of my questions.  It was an important question.  I went anyway.

I definitely didn’t allow myself enough time to get from the Bronx to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.  So I was late.

When I arrived, the producer said he couldn’t believe we were all there at the same time.  It wasn’t the whole cast, just a few of us.  He even asked me (and the others) what made me agree to come.  I said that since I was in the film, I felt a part of it and involved since then.  I came to the cast party too. 

It is in the horror genre with a twist of comedy, and definitely some originality.  I don’t watch horror films.  I could appreciate this one because I was in it, the producer and director treated us well, and everything they said they’d do, they did.  I’m glad for them if they get some fame from this.  They are pretty focused and passionate about it.

I arrived a bit stressed from the trip, being late, etc., but I was in a generally good mood though somewhat tired.

The others were males, and, within minutes, I felt like I was on a very male planet like the one I’m actually on, and it felt awful.  I wasn’t expecting this since my experiences with them had been good, so I was off guard.  They were talking about some other film where someone put a charger or something in a woman’s vagina and charged their phone.  And I felt like I felt much of my early life, speechless and horrified at how we are hated.  The thought never occurred to me to do such a thing to anyone including a rapist.  I’d rather a rapist just be shot dead.  I’m not a fan of torture.

Then later it seemed to get a little more comfortable.  The producer shared stories with us about different cast members.  He had frustrating experiences with some.  One woman apparently was supposed to get paid extra because she was supposed to have a make-out scene with one of the actors.  But the day of the filming of that scene, the actor had a cold sore.  She refused to do it which was understandable to all, but she insisted on the money for the make-out scene.  That was the point of contention.  I admire that she did insist on the money, but I know I wouldn’t have, unfortunately.  She was counting on the money, it wasn’t her who had the cold sore, so good for her.

Now here is what took the whole thing back in a shitty direction.  Another actor said that she still could have kissed him, just not on the lips.  Then he went on to say that the producer should’ve made it so every actress has to make-out, and then just tell them it landed on the cutting room floor.

Just love that dehumanization.  It’s so heartwarming when a human is spoken of as a thing.  At that point, I guess my spirit was sinking and I was starting to wish I had stayed the fuck home.  Almost a two-hour trip to feel invisible and speechless.  If we don’t keep consciously addressing it, this shit just takes over again.  Generation after generation is always in danger of having any progress reversed.  Geeeez!  (For those readers who are concerned about “upsetting the guys,” I’d say they come that way.  How else can they speak of us as containers for their garbage?)

At that point, I wasn’t feeling very commentative.  I suddenly had so little to say.  As an actress, it had actually been a really fun experience to do the film.  And we were paid.  But when it came to the commentary, I felt smothered by misogyny.  It was a sense of the world being about them while everyone else is just kinda there to serve and adorn.