Full of Rocks and Being Funny

Last week, my internet, cable tv, and phone services were temporarily suspended. I had written the start of a blog, but after the NY primaries, it was dated. I had moments on a computer at my day job, but to write anything, I like to be home.

Being without the tv and internet wasn’t easy. I sleep with the tv on. I awoke when it went off. I’ve not lost perspective. I had a place to go home to, food, running water, hot water, electricity, good-enough health, freedom, and my jobs. Most importantly, my beloved son, my best friend, and I are alive and well, and for my son’s sake and my step-son’s sake, I’m also grateful their dad is alive and well enough.

Being without those services felt a bit like fasting. I knew it would be temporary. It felt uncomfortable and even irritating. Like any other change, it opened up other things. I discovered videos that were in my Dropbox. I watched myself do a stand-up set in 2008. The audience was with me that night. I couldn’t even believe it. And I was braver than usual. I also made myself look at the videos of my canine child on his last day. It was okay. I had been afraid to look at pictures and videos of that day. Intellectually, I know it is better to not run from pain but to look at it. However, I haven’t been doing so courageously in recent months, so this was an opportunity to disrupt some of my habits. There’s definitely value in “fasting” and I can understand why most religions include a time for it in their practice.

In case my ex doesn’t think I suffered enough over our son, the weight of grief is upon me every day. Every fuckin’ day.

In spite of it all, I do stand-up. I know this site is called She So Funny, and I ain’t been funny in my blogs for a while. I will share this. In mid-June, late on a Wednesday night, I have an audition at Broadway Comedy Club.  If I “pass,” I become one of their paid comics they book.  So I better get fuckin’ funny. 

Though I am grateful to be able to survive, I’d really love to not need 2 survival jobs, so I can get out there and do my thing!