Full of Rocks and Being Funny

Last week, my internet, cable tv, and phone services were temporarily suspended. I had written the start of a blog, but after the NY primaries, it was dated. I had moments on a computer at my day job, but to write anything, I like to be home.

Being without the tv and internet wasn’t easy. I sleep with the tv on. I awoke when it went off. I’ve not lost perspective. I had a place to go home to, food, running water, hot water, electricity, good-enough health, freedom, and my jobs. Most importantly, my beloved son, my best friend, and I are alive and well, and for my son’s sake and my step-son’s sake, I’m also grateful their dad is alive and well enough.

Being without those services felt a bit like fasting. I knew it would be temporary. It felt uncomfortable and even irritating. Like any other change, it opened up other things. I discovered videos that were in my Dropbox. I watched myself do a stand-up set in 2008. The audience was with me that night. I couldn’t even believe it. And I was braver than usual. I also made myself look at the videos of my canine child on his last day. It was okay. I had been afraid to look at pictures and videos of that day. Intellectually, I know it is better to not run from pain but to look at it. However, I haven’t been doing so courageously in recent months, so this was an opportunity to disrupt some of my habits. There’s definitely value in “fasting” and I can understand why most religions include a time for it in their practice.

In case my ex doesn’t think I suffered enough over our son, the weight of grief is upon me every day. Every fuckin’ day.

In spite of it all, I do stand-up. I know this site is called She So Funny, and I ain’t been funny in my blogs for a while. I will share this. In mid-June, late on a Wednesday night, I have an audition at Broadway Comedy Club.  If I “pass,” I become one of their paid comics they book.  So I better get fuckin’ funny. 

Though I am grateful to be able to survive, I’d really love to not need 2 survival jobs, so I can get out there and do my thing!

 

 

 

Still Hopeful, After All These Years

 

 

 

 

 

In spite of having a heavy heart, I registered for a comedy festival. 

Announcements will be made by September 1^st. I like me for moments like that where I don’t totally surrender to the unfortunate parts of my life or to depression but instead “keep hope alive.” I am as aware of my gifts as I am of my suffering.

 

Adding to everything, the director of my main job is moving on; most of us are sad and worried.

 

She is exceptional and rare. I even asked her if she has a friend she can recommend. It is going to be a trying time.

No matter how long or short she was our director, she did real good, and I just hope some things stick even after she’s gone.

The good part (I think) is she will still be involved in our program as she is promoted to head our parent organization. I just pray her new role fits her caring self. I’d hate to see the demands of the job force her to be something other than who she is (ya know how jobs can do).

…

In terms of the country, there is hope on the horizon:

 http://observer.com/2016/03/bernie-sanders-rocks-the-bronx/

The lone Bronx elected official supporting Mr. Sanders, Assemblyman Luis Sepulveda, said at the rally tonight that the Democratic machine had pressured him into endorsing the more moderate Ms. Clinton—and he had to say no, citing the devastation of the Iraq War. Bronx Councilman Ritchie Torres, who is officially neutral in the primary, also attended the rally.

“Bernie is a man of integrity,” Mr. Sepulveda said. “Bernie is a man who’s gonna lead this revolution.”

 

http://bronx.news12.com/news/bernie-sanders-speaks-at-bx-community-college-1.11672256

Sen. Bernie Sanders made his second campaign stop in the Bronx Saturday.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2016/04/08/bernie-sanders-highlights-his-new-york-roots-at-brooklyn-rally/

 

 

 

As he has in other states, Mr. Sanders told the crowd that a high voter turnout would be critical for him. “Bring your friends and your family,” he said. “Let us make the world know that in this great state, New York is part of the political revolution.”

Amanda Hooper, a 26-year-old waitress who lives in Brooklyn, said she was excited to see Mr. Sanders in her borough. She said she dropped out of college because she couldn’t afford tuition after her scholarship money was reduced as part of state budget cuts in Florida.

Now, she’s hoping Mr. Sanders can help people like her afford school and said she felt confident that Mr. Sanders could win New York’s primary.

“This is his turf. He’s from here,” Ms. Hooper said, adding that Mrs. Clinton might have worked on efforts in the borough but didn’t have the same connection as someone who grew up in Brooklyn.

“That’s her turf, all those buildings over there,” Ms. Hooper said, pointing to Manhattan’s maze of skyscrapers. “Brooklyn, I think, is Bernie’s.”

 

 

http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2016/04/10/bernie-sanders-did-not-disappoint-at-coney-island/?_r=0

Mr. Sanders stopped to take photos with people as he walked into Nathan’s. “I love you Bernie,” a woman screamed to him. “I trust you.”

 

 

Precious Sons (the 2-legged and 4-legged kind)

 

 

 

 

 

My fuchsia flowers are still upright and looking wonderful. They are in a vase I once bought for my mother.

The day after Good Friday/divorce anniversary was a year since my Luigi went to Heaven. Though that was a very hard event, it was surrounded by events that had made it harder. A scene followed outside the place. I haven’t really gotten through all the trauma of that day. I know by how I find it so hard to walk on the block of the vet’s office.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Much of my life feels like PTSD. That was once thought to be unique to soldiers returning from war. It has now come to include those who suffered under emotional and/or other kinds of abuse for long periods of time. I was born into a war that didn’t cease for the arrival of a baby.

My marriage was a different kind of war; in a way, more eerie.

(I know in my comedy, I make it sound funny, but that comedy did not come for free; it was long-earned. Writing my stand-up material is part of my healing journey. Everything I make us laugh about is something I once cried and/or fumed about.)

The ongoing heartbreak is how my son was not protected throughout the divorce war, the pain caused him, and my ex going to lows I hadn’t thought he would (out of human decency and parental love – BUT I was wrong). My mistake was not only believing in something that just was not there, but not believing in the evil that was.

What an education.*

I found it difficult, but I got through the week.

Each day I felt surprised that the flowers are still doing so well.  It helped me on a level I am not ready to discuss publicly.

 

 

 

*(Aramis, I wasn’t able to receive when you tried to tell me certain things about the existence of evil.)