Between a Cash-filled G-string and a Hard Place

I got an email notification that someone shared some photos of mine on Facebook.  I recognized the last name from the NYC poetry circles. We run into each other at poetry readings a couple of times a year.  He’s known for often having a partially naked woman on stage enacting lines of his poems.  He’s been banned from a number of places.  I think he’s proud of that. 

I went to his FB wall. My jaw dropped when I saw it was filled with photos of almost naked women.  I wasn’t surprised that his wall would look like that; I just wondered how I fit in with that scene.  I’ve been penis-free for so long.  But in the minds of others, I must be very busy.  (I am busy, but with healing and working and decluttering and creating and staying away from penile involvement.)

After many cleavages and bare butts with a masturbation photo sprinkled in here and there, there was one of a woman in a g-string with cash tucked in everywhere.  Below that were a couple of poetry event announcements. Then came several photos of me and a couple of artist creations not of me but shared from my Facebook photo albums.  Below that was an about-to-begin blow job photo. 

Frames matter.  I felt disgusted.  I tried to see if I could take my photos off his page since they were shared from my photos, but that option didn’t exist.   I thought of asking him to remove my photos from his wall, but I didn’t think that would go smoothly.  I felt he’d enjoy the power too much.  I went to my photos.  I figured if I remove them, they will disappear from his wall too as ‘no longer available.’

I looked at each photo, and wondered why I’d be removing them.  There’s nothing negative or embarrassing about the photos.  One of them is a favorite of mine.  I showed my buddy.  He said about my pictures, “Those are nice photos.”  Then I showed them to him on the guy’s wall.  He agreed that my photos surrounded by those other photos seemed to be making a statement.  The statement might have simply been: ‘I jerk off to all of these.’

I choose not to think about who is jerking off to thoughts of me.  It’s their private activity, and as long as it remains private, it’s none of my business.  Now it felt different.  Ugh.

I feel uncomfortable because in our patriarchy, people will come to a conclusion about me instead of about him.  Then again, the truth is what matters though deception can be powerful for the short-term.  This brings me back to the years when what others thought mattered way too much.

There is no shortage of those who will take something nice and make it icky.  I am trying to promote myself as an actress and comic.  I can’t be removing good pictures of me.

 

 

 

Come join The Divorced Divas of Comedy for some hilarity this Friday!

https://www.facebook.com/events/1659992327589102/