Beware of What You Think You Want

 

 

 

 

I was running a little late due to my train going local when I went to a comedy open mic that was for females only.  Well, it actually said “ladies only” but these were women, not ladies.  I could hear the laughter from a distance.  And though I was late and willing to just watch, I was put on the list and made to feel welcome.  However, as I sat there listening, I wondered why I still didn’t feel like I found my peeps.  I liked different individuals, and I loved the loud laughter in the room.  People didn’t hold back like at other mics.  The room was roaring when people were funny. 

I just felt so disconnected from all the wanting-a-date material.  I feel kind of victorious for how long I’ve managed to keep my romantic distance from men. 

When I had met the man I eventually married (after getting pregnant by him and needing health coverage), I knew I wasn’t done with my own development enough yet to enter a life-long relationship with a partner.  Yet I couldn’t manage to get out of it.  I believed if I had allowed myself the time to continue healing and growing, I’d have gotten involved with a more suitable person for me.  I was in my twenties and part of a writing group when he and I met.  At first, he was so intrigued how four women kept a writing group going for years and produced so much writing.  He claimed a group of male artists he was in couldn’t do it.  He said it always became a yelling session. 

He seemed truly in awe of us being able to inspire and support each other.  Fast forward a year or two, and you can count on every other Sunday (when our group met) he being very depressed and somewhat suicidal.  I’d still go to the writing group, but it would change the entire experience.  I was right back in my childhood.  All us kids outside playing tag or hide and seek, cheeks all rosy, lots of laughter and sweating, everyone seeming to be having so much fun, and I always worried if someone was getting hurt in my house.  Would my aunt kill my grandma that day?  Was my mother being terrorized?  “Tag, you’re it!”

I heard so many women at this mic seem to think they needed a boyfriend when I wanted to congratulate them for not being in a relationship and instead allowing themselves the air to breathe and space to grow.

Our ages are different and our hormone levels are likely different too.  These are healthy women born with a libido and wanting to have sex.  As some pointed out, that becomes difficult when you have standards.  I guess in my younger years, there was no shortage of men wanting to have sex with me.  What I feel gypped of is spending my time and energy and love on me and my passions. 

If you’d like to come, laugh, and support…

The other night, I was in the Village after attending a wonderful Great Weather for Media reading at KGB Bar on East 4^th.  I decided to walk to the West Village, and as I did, I caught a glimpse of someone who has become a part of comedy herstory.  (Too bad I couldn’t take a decent shot.)

(3 blurred shots of Sarah Silverman)