A Rather Long and Fed-up Letter to a Certain Someone



To the person who told me that my shows were unprofessional and amateurish, that I talk to you like I write my blog (as if that were a bad thing), that I am high and mighty, that no one will want to work with me, that I hate everyone, that I am rage-filled, that I micro-manage and then I vanish, that I’m no friend of yours, that I’m no partner to you, that I’m not nice to you or to your daughter, that I should wake up because no one cares how I feel and that you sure don’t give a fuck, that you wouldn’t do another show (but wanted to know why I was in charge), that I should simply say everything is fine and “wear a smile,” who has a problem with the people who provide a space for us to have our shows because they don’t take your orders either, and who insisted you wouldn’t read another email, text, or listen to a long message,

 

STOP texting and emailing me and trying to get back on my “unprofessional” show.  I have no interest in working with you.  What is not clear?  I - HAVE - NO - INTEREST - IN - WORKING - WITH - YOU. 

A couple of years before all this, you contacted me and wanted me to get a certain book and work together writing material.  We set a date.  When the day came, I called you several times trying to confirm our plan and find out the location.  You never called me back that day.  You wasted my day.  I didn’t make other plans since I had a commitment with you.  When we finally made contact, you said, “I totally understand why you decided not to make the trip.”  Does that sound like a fucking friend to you?  Do you even know what friends sound like???  That sounds like a narcissist who won’t accept responsibility for their actions.  A FRIEND says things like, “Oh shit, I fucked up. I’m so sorry. I forgot about our plans.  You bought the book?  Let’s reschedule.  I’m so sorry.  I swear I won’t fuck this up.”  But you probably don’t know what friendship – real friendship – sounds like.  You’d have to be one to have some. 

You admitted I consistently brought in the most audience.  You said that you don’t know how I manage that.  Well, much of what you complain about, others like about me.  Imagine that.  They are glad I don’t “wear smiles” but actually have smiles.  They like talking to someone who isn’t full of shit.  They welcome how refreshing that is in this bullshit society.  I’m actually surprised you don’t have more friends of the bullshiggity kind since they are so plentiful. 

You tried to get me to cancel a show a day before the show.  I consider THAT unprofessional.  I refused.  It’s MY show and my reputation on the line when comics have scheduled their time and people have bought tickets and planned their night.  The world does not revolve around your fits and tantrums and selfishness.

You want me to like a comic because she is someone you want to connect with, and if I don’t care for her empty promises and hostile comedy, you decide I am the one who is rage-filled.  I somehow still think the person making fun of portions of society who are already down is the one with the rage problem.  And maybe some other problems too that would even lead someone to kick those who are already down.  Then you get angry with those who don’t like bullying and racism.  Cute.  Says something about you that I didn’t want to believe. Talk about unprofessional – wanting to book people because you want your daughter and their son to hook up.  Fuck the quality of the show.  Not on my watch.  Not on my show.  My goal for a show is to make it one I’d want to attend.  That is why, according to a good comic I credit you for recommending, it is a good show.  I don’t want comics who make people feel bad they spent money for abuse.  I am proud that many of my audience members come back for more of my “unprofessional and amateurish” show. 

You have complimented my blog over and over.  So was that bullshit like much of what you express or are you jealous and attacking me for being able to write as real as I am?  You ACCUSED me of talking to you like I write my blog.  Maybe you are right and I shouldn’t give you the respect of honesty.  You want fake smiles.  I’m not your gal.  You told me life is short and to “wear a smile.”  Life IS short, so be real.  You might make a friend who is also real.  Right now you can’t appreciate such a relationship nor do you deserve it.  You don’t treasure what that means. 

You say I’m no friend of yours.  I was more of a friend to you than you are capable of being to anyone because you are a user.  And if people don’t do as you want, you throw a tantrum.  I understand frustration and all kinds of shit, but I want no part of someone who doesn’t own their shit, who can’t say “I am sorry; I was wrong.”  You are right that life is short.  I want none of what remains of mine to be putting up with crap like yours.

I originally lost a comic because the person wouldn’t work with YOU.  I never told you that.  Then yet another comic had to get me to get you to stop texting her obsessively for something you wanted.  But you claim no one will want to work with me. 

That hasn’t been my experience in recent years.  The people who don’t want to work with me are people I also don’t care to work with, so it’s not a problem.  Sexists tend to be scared of my feminism.  (You know us feminists – very scary people fighting for equal pay and day care and reproductive freedom and to be safe on the streets.)  And I get disgusted with them dehumanizing the gender largely responsible for teaching them to walk and wipe their own ass.  And racists just aren’t funny, except to other racists.  (Not to be confused with racial.  I think Richard Pryor and Lisa Lampanelli, among others, are very funny.)

When you asked me if I liked so-and-so, I did not consider our time something to waste with bullshit.  I said NO.  I gave you exact reasons.  It was not based on mood or ulterior motives and hidden agendas.  I said making fun of a group like they are out there all sucking men to pay their rent was NOT funny or okay.  She was using a low stereotype of a group she wasn’t familiar with.  I said there were many highly educated members of that group in the audience who do important work to help others and were guests of mine.  I was sure they didn’t appreciate that.  The comic even complained how “PC” the audience was because perhaps she couldn’t imagine they were just being real and really fucking disgusted with the portrayal.  That’s MY reputation, not yours.  I do not want to be represented by those who need to do that.  I like intelligent comics whose life, the news, and their desire for a better world provide enough material to work with.  I care about those I’m asking to spend their money.  I also care about humanity.  (That’s probably why you called me “high and mighty.”  I’m sorry for all involved if you don’t care about humanity since you work in the helping professions.)  When I produce a show, it is a chance to reach people in a positive way.  I am not going for the kick-the-homeless, Latinas-are-whores, bitches-are-fat-sluts type of shit.  Yes, I have standards and taste.  No, I don’t like everyone’s comedy equally, nor would I expect you to.    

I’ve had people write me saying how wonderful the shows are as well as telling me what they didn’t like.  I’ve passed along to you the feedback I’d received because I actually thought you’d want to know.  (Silly me.)  I consider it so valuable to hear from the customer.  But if what you want is “It was great” (SMILE), you really shouldn’t ever want to work with me.  My life’s moments are precious to me, and I can’t fill them with bullshit.  I have NEVER appreciated you or anyone telling me I did great when I did NOT.  I grow from truth, not from fake crap.

You said I am “high and mighty.”  The few people in my life who have called me that are people who’d like me to lower myself so they can feel better about themselves. 

 

and

 

 

When I saw your phone number posted in a public place, I wrote you to make sure you knew that it was visible to the world.  It was concern about your safety.  You never even acknowledged that email.  Maybe real concern about others doesn't register with you.  That was clear when after coming home from 2 jobs on a Thursday night, and there was a message from you telling me, not asking me, to come to your house (from the Bronx to Manhattan which would mean getting to you at midnight) to read instructions on how to use an amp, then go back to the Bronx, nap, get up and teach, and be ready for the show that night.  (Thanks for caring about me and my safety.)  When all along, your friend who you want me to like the comedy stylings of was in your borough and could afford a cab.  But you didn’t call her and throw an adolescent tantrum demanding she come rescue you no matter what her reality is.  I am sorry I let that pass.  The next time you threw a tantrum, it was at the people who provide the space for the show.  They no longer cared to deal with you.  I am sorry I let that pass.  You were not made to see how wrong you were.  My mistake.  You continue to blame them rather than look at yourself.

It escalated. 

You said horrible things to me, you want to act like you didn’t, you want to blame me for the shit you did, now you want to portray things like I threw you out and took over.  It was mine all along.  You were lucky to get all those opportunities.  If I want an emotionally abusive relationship with a user who is disconnected from others and who refuses to own their own crap, I could’ve stayed married.  At least he paid much of the bills.  You don’t pay any of my bills.  And he didn’t expect me to be phony.  He had that area covered.

When you went off your rocker telling me how you’d never be in my show again, I was relieved.  I don’t want to work with you.  I am not bound to you.  I am not taking anything that isn’t mine.  I had a feeling in my stomach (because I have experience with narcissists) when you went abusive on the phone that you were disconnected from your own mind and would act the next day like this never happened.  I made sure, upon saying goodbye, to confirm “This will be your last show.”

I told friends (the real kind) that because this was so extreme and felt somewhat insane, I sense this is not over.  Practically in chorus, they said, “For you it is.”  Yes, for me, it is.  I am not disconnected from reality, and I remember every bit of that phone call.

Stop texting me since you told me you didn’t want any texts from me, stop emailing me for the same reason (you don’t get to make rules for me and break them the next day, obsessively texting me), and stop trying to rewrite history.  I did much groundwork over a year before the actual shows on my concept.  The concept came to me while in a conversation with another comic.  That woman later guided me into understanding much of what is involved in putting on a good show.  All those details I pay attention to -- oh yeah, that you called “micro-managing” though another comic called it “thorough, and I love thorough.”  You claimed in your outburst that I micro-manage and then I vanish.  From my side of the world, that was doing the tons of things that need to get done and then entering my two-job week and trying to get sleep too.  Not available for your tantrums or sudden desire for a friend.  You want a friend?  Be one.  I’d suggest you start with someone with whom you have no history.  And don’t expect what you don’t give, like sincerity.

I always felt it was wrong and unfair to judge a person by other people’s opinions.  I now am re-thinking that.

You did not come up with the name as you try to now claim.  I presented the name I had for it for over a year.  (I even was on a local cable TV show being interviewed about it in 2013, over a year before being in your living room. The interviewer said she loved the name.  The video exists.  Reality.)  You checked on line 16 months later to see if the name was in use.  We added 2 words to the title (one being of) because a support group was using the name.  Thank you for fact-checking.  That does not make you the creator of my show.  You want to now say we were partners.  On the phone you very clearly said I was no partner of yours.  You were stressed out and offended if I spoke to you as a partner.  You only wanted fake niceties.  Truth, to you, was “toxic.”

As you stated, you wouldn’t do another of my “unprofessional and amateurish” shows, so stop trying to steal my “unprofessional and amateurish” creation.  Stop trying to write on the page that it isn’t mine.  Stop trying to claim something that is, as you expressed, not up to your standards.  You deserve better according to you.  According to your opinion, you could do much better and get lots of venues.  So go do something better!  Don’t take from those you see as beneath you.  What are you saying about yourself?  Book whoever’s ass you are willing to kiss for various reasons that have nothing to do with quality.  Continue to order around and piss off the managers of the places, and throw a fit when they don’t take orders from you.  Bring your laptop with the bandaid on it (a very professional touch).  Don’t acquaint yourself with the bouncers.  Have three people in the audience.  Wear a smile, and say it was great.  Enjoy your life.  You are right that life is short.  Why spend it battling someone who gave you many performing opportunities in front of a real audience?  Create what you consider wonderful, and leave me the fuck alone. 

You claim you can’t have stress.  When I asked you to click and invite people to a show because ticket sales were dragging, apparently that was stressful.  Your sense of entitlement stresses me out.  When you quit a job in a raging fit (and most of us have done it), don’t expect to go back (that’s the part you don’t seem to get). 

 

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*I do not endorse the very last lines.  But in general, the clip captures a lot of what happened here attitudinally.