Updates, Lust, and an 'Unboxed Voice'

My new business cards came, and I'm very pleased with them. 

The six-hour on-camera acting class I took went very well.  I was proud of my work in the class, and I felt very recognized and appreciated.  I was feeling vulnerable that day, and one of the co-teachers really hit the spot.  He saw my pain as a well of material.  I left feeling reached, understood, massaged, liked, unsettled by it all but in a good way.  I guess that won't make sense to everyone.  Some things need unsettling/shaking up.  Definitely a good experience.

Though I am pleased with both the new business cards and having taken the class, I am financially fucked now.  Mailed off January's rent and paid the landline phone, cable, and internet bill (just the very overdue part so I won't get shut down), but can't manage the cell phone, gas and electric, and various personal loans, aside from food and carfare, etc.  If you or someone you know needs to hire a proofreader, an artist's model, or a photography model (photography within limits), please think of me and pass along my info.  If a financially blessed person is reading this and cares to help, I'd say thank you very much.

I was part of a poetry reading in Brooklyn celebrating the Brownstone Poets 2013 Anthology where we were to read the poem we have in the anthology.    It was a trip from the Bronx to my sister borough, Brooklyn, and it was snowing and the wind blowing, but I'm glad I went.  I enjoyed hearing the others, and I definitely enjoyed reading my poem.  I got more done on the train than I would have at home.  Almost finished a proofreading job, and on the way home, I napped.  In response to a woman's interest at the reading, I reached into my pocket to give her one of my new cards and though I had put a bunch in my pocket, they weren't there.  As it turned out, I had put them in the pocket of a jacket that was under my coat on the back of my chair at home.  These are the moments I question how much I stand in my own way.

That same night, I won 2 tickets to the play My Mother Has 4 Noses.  For me, that is a nice prize as the regular price for the tickets is way out of my league.

In the course of my weeks, I met a man who excited me just by being himself.  It's not that I like everything about him, but I like some things about him.  He is insightful, intelligent, firm, and gentle.  He knows how to listen and appreciates my ability to as well.  He's able to stand up to other tough men in constructive ways.   He was very taken by me and wasn't afraid to express it.  That was a big turn-on.  When he felt passionate about something, he said he loved it.  In a quick second, when my eyes were running over his muscular arms, I do believe he checked himself for an erection and pulled his shirt down.  It felt like he couldn't believe this could be happening, like it isn't what normally happens to him anymore.  When I saw a line of perspiration run down his neck, I smiled and felt him as so alive.  When there is already a connection, every little physical thing becomes so charged.  He's five years older than me.  That tends to come with less hair but also a chance of emotional maturity.  He is successful career-wise.  When he put his warm hand on my back, it felt so fucking good.  When I heard him speak of his adult children, I wanted him to be my father.  Other moments, I wanted him to be my sometimes lover.  I know it is all too, too much.  And to save us all, he is not available.  But it felt good to know my lust is still happening, and I will try to remember that it comes when the emotional conditions feel right.  If his arms were not already committed, I'd really want to be in them.  

And on another note, I'm going to be performing comedy in the Unboxed Voices Variety Show on March 8th, which is also International Women's Day.  The variety show is, in part, a birthday celebration for a woman who once cast and directed me in a play.  I'm pretty excited and will aim to do a superb job.  It means a lot to me.  I should include something on the current political scene.  I think the last time I did, it was about Weiner's weiner habit.  And I had something on the panic over gay marriage.  But with that stuff, unlike my other material, it gets dated.  I can make the gay marriage one last longer with a small edit.  But I'm not the kind of comic who can instantly come up with something.  I'm not a joke machine.  Things have to process, and some might result in comedy, some in poetry, some in sad prose, some in shit that sits on my heart until I can do something better with it.  I've seen comics who can be quick on their feet.  If thrown a topic, they can come up with something.  I don't seem to be able to do that with comedy.  Not consistently; not yet. 

And now back to thinking about that unavailable man.  Maybe I'll write some erotica...