Thanksgiving Hanukkah My Birthday My Son's Birthday Christmas New Years sprinkled with birthdays of loved ones who have passed and anniversaries of the passing of loved ones --- enough! Enough I say. I wrote to reconnect with an aunt who then called me, and her tone of voice reminded me of why there had to be distance to begin with. Ugh.
One of the nice parts of my birthday was the break from winter weather. That felt like a gift. The best part of my birthday was my best friend. I am very grateful. We both chuckled at this.
Honestly, I have so much digging out to do still -- in many ways -- and I don't really have any readiness for all this. The only evidence of holiday in my apartment this year is a display of the cards I received and a couple of rolls of wrapping paper for my son's gifts. I am glad I have been able to cover my bills without borrowing money so far. My evening job stops for a few weeks, so while I welcome the time to do other things, I am on less income for the month. I am glad my son is doing some purposeful things with himself. My old and wonderful dog is hanging in there. In the fall, I was upgraded on my day job. Earlier in the year, another poet whose work I like a lot asked me to collaborate on a chapbook of poems set in the Bronx. There are very good things happening that matter to me. But in many ways, I still feel like I am dragging bricks inside. As a result, I'm not as far along in some areas as I expected to be (the apartment is a big example). End of year time and birthdays and holidays just seem to highlight all of that because of the expectations that come with those special times.
Along with all of it all, I truly enjoyed performing stand-up at the Grisly Pear on 12/19. One of the show's producers is someone whose warmth has from time to time made me want to treat him as my pillow. But he is not available for pillowing. He is married, and by that I mean he is a husband. By comparison, I realize I had been married to the anti-husband. The show was on a Thursday and wasn't as well attended as I'd have liked. A co-worker/friend came to the show. The audience that was there was attentive. The other comics were attentive as well. In that sense, it was a supportive atmosphere. Plus it was special because one of the original producers of the show, who left to live in California, was visiting and performing. It had been a while since I was in a show doing stand-up. It meant a lot to me to do well not only because my co-worker was there, but I wanted the man who booked me to not regret it. He makes me feel accepted and appreciated. That helps me relax in a way where I can make off the cuff comments from stage, and they work. I feel proud that I finally have a bit about teaching. And it went well.
I was the only female comic that evening. It was a decent bunch of people, and at no point did I have to say "Eeeeuuwww." I appreciated the gay comic, Nick Haby, who helped open things up by asking the audience who takes it up the ass. I love the courage -- both to take it up the ass and to ask the audience who among them does.
The day before the show, I had to remind myself that no one is making me do this. I do this because I want to. The day after the show, I felt the experience was confidence building. I knew I would continue with this. I wish I had measured each life step that accurately.
For my birthday, my best buddy offered to do whatever might make me feel good. We worked on a part of my apartment mess, I donated two bags of clothes and shoes to a nearby shelter for women and children, and I finally opened a package containing a coat I had ordered for myself but never took out of the package. I tried it on and was pleased. Forty-five minutes after my birthday was technically over, I received a birthday text from someone I love dearly. However, I didn't see it until the next day. Still good. It's quite complicated and involves my son, his dad, and a whole lotta stuff. Not for blogging... at least not under my real name.
The day after my birthday, I was part of Dance of the Word, an Evie Ivy production at the Cornelia Street Cafe.
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It was fun. Fred Arcoleo involved the audience in music-making. He gave out all kinds of percussion instruments and rocked it. He teaches high school, so he is more than qualified to get some audience participation going. Robert Gibbons delivered his poem part speak/part song. I love when he does that. There were a number of performers, poets and otherwise. I was scheduled to read poetry. One that I shared is a sonnet I was once asked to write where each line was to be one syllable.
Women Do Tell
She
said
he
pled
for
some
more
from
'tween
her
mean
fur.
Got
hot!
(c) Mindy Matijasevic 1996,2013
Though I made my selection that morning, I thought that since it was a holiday show, I should have something holiday related. So not in the spirit this year, I had to start from there. This is what I read.
I will try to spin my sense of loss
into garland
roll my regrets into unique shapes
sprinkle them with glitter
hang them from the holes
in my heart
my aloneness spread out
beneath the tree
my life
wrapped in loss
anchored with mistakes
decorated with memoir
lit with hope
the star pointing
in all directions of possibility
so... Merry Freakin' Christmas
and a Better New Year
(c) Mindy Matijasevic 2013
I am so glad to see the poems you read in print, Mindy. I enjoyed them both, especially the last one. It echoes some of my thoughts for closing out 2013. I appreciate how creativity can "spin...loss into garland." Beautiful.
And thank you for your mentioning my little contribution to the evening. I had a lovely time with you all, and am grateful for the opportunity to connect with others about what touches my heart most deeply.
I wish you a Better New Year, Mindy, a chance to grow, a chance to fill the holes with love…
A fellow artist,
: )
Fred Arcoleo
http://reverbnation.com/fredarcoleo
Thank you very much, Fred. Your contribution was not "little" to me. I thought it really made it a party, connecting people together to create musical fun.
Hope you are holidays were okay. Im glad they are over. I hope 2014 brings good things to us all!
Mindy I love the holiday poem! All the best to you in 2014.
CA, yeah this year I was grateful for "okay." Thank you for the new year wish. Each time we get that ball rolling, it sets everything in motion. I hope we make good things happen.
Lisa, thank you.
To a better New Year!
thank you. for you too.