Pain in the A@@

By Lisa Harmon

So much work! Why is everything so difficult? Remember when you could just turn on the television with one click? Now I find I have to click the clicker about eleven clicks till the proper combination of television and cable box turn on. Frustrating. I'd rather go back to olden times before remotes when my brother and I were the channel changers.




No it is not OK

Metal sinks - whose idea was this? Can we go back to porcelain? Or at least stainless steel? The new metal sinks are so low quality, they rust under where I keep the soap bottle. I think it is kind of silly to make a sink that rusts when it gets wet. But then I'm not some metal sink millionnaire, trying to eek another twenty cents out of everybody.

Toasters. A good idea but gross. Come on, figure out what we're gonna do with all those crumbs. Let's go. Science? Bueller? Anybody?

Windows: I have mixed feelings on these. I like looking OUT but I don't like anyone looking IN. Kind of a dilemma. We used to have a tree out there but for some reason someone decided to take it away, so, hello lady that looks into our apartment from her terrace. How are you and your awkward kids doing?

Brats

Mirrors: You know how you clean the mirror and you get it so clean it doesn't look like a mirror anymore, it looks real, because it's just that clean? Remember that? Well I spent about four hours trying to polish a mirror like that when I finally told my Mom "I can't get it clean!"  My Mom (who knows stuff) told me that they don't put mercury in mirrors anymore! That's why they don't look clean anymore! Well we had mercury in our mirrors and we're still here! Oh this one irks me a lot. I like clean mirrors. I have to get onto a black-market mercury mirror site. Yes.

 They....never....look.....CLEAN!  AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

 

Cars: Yes. I like these. Way better than public transportation. With one major drawback - where does it go when you're done with it? Eight blocks away. Fail. Actually with the cost of a garage I might be able to hire a recently downsized individual to be my chauffeur. If only I hadn't also been recently downsized! Rats!

Cell phones. I know they make fun of people for not being able to see their phone but I can't hear mine. I want it to yell! I'm in New York City. Even when it's quiet, it's noisy. Can we get this thing above a whisper. Hello? I can't hear you now.

 

Ambulances: Enough. Your time to go is your time to go. No need to upset everyone in the neighborhood.

 

 

Muni-meters. I liked these in the beginning because they take credit cards. No searching for quarters. Though I did have to ask a guy for quarters before he told me to use my credit card. Because I'm a big dope. Thank you stranger. But now that muni-meters have been around a while, a lot of them don't work. Some of them are slow. And you have to walk to it, and walk back to your car. Sometimes they're pretty far away too. So, no. Too difficult.

Two miles up on the left.

Cat problems: You didn't think these would be resolved do you? My poor old kitty cat passed away in June. I assumed my cat problems were over. No more waking up at all hours, no more crying cat. I mean, we still have a cat. Birdie.  But she's the least demanding cat ever. I figured I'd probably forget to feed her and she'd starve to death.  She's so low-maintenance I was thinking of getting another cat.  Even though I SWORE TO MYSELF that I would not get one more animal as long as I live - I started to want another cat. I tried persuading the Super, “I think Birdie needs an assistant. It is a heavy workload for one cat.” Thank GAWD the Super vetoed that idea!

Since then Birdie has had, let's say "litterbox issues" three times. The vet doesn't know why. I don't know why.  It is pretty gross, but it did make me appreciate when I was totally free from cat-problems. That was the best three days of my life!