She So Funny

It has been 90 degrees in the city and I fucking LOVE it!  This is my most favorite time of the year.  Mostly because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and the sunlight gives me that extra bump of vitamin D that I need.

Women are scantily clad, men are gawking and the Orthodox Jews are still wearing wool.  3 things that define summer for me.  The only thing that sucks about warm weather in the city is the stench throughout the subway cars.  It's fucking awful...especially during 5pm rush hour.  Holy hell!  You get the smell of stale deodorant, body odor, scrotum musk and piss.  The piss smell is year round, nonetheless, the hot, stagnant air underground really amplifies the aroma in the hot months.


One of the reasons why I love summer so much (besides the sunshine) is the beautiful aroma of sunscreen.  It is completely overshadowed once underground.  I'm a smeller.  Period.  I am the creep that smells ladies' hair and men's necks when I hug them.  Yesterday, I was walking behind a couple fresh out of a shower and I was basking in the fragrance.  As I passed them, I let them know how great they smelled.  I'm sure it was weird for them, but, I can't help it....good smelling stuff makes me happy.

I have a horrible gag reflex and an awful smell can set the reflex off for HOURS.  I once "accidentally" watched my dog eat his own smelly ass puke and I gagged the entire day (periodically...all day).  I have gagged over the smell of dog food.  When I lived in LA and worked as a cater waiter, I had to work an appreciation dinner at a dog food plant.  Fuck me...that shit was awful.  I had to act overjoyed about who was being honored with a steak dinner in the plant's cafeteria.  I spent a majority of my time in the bathroom gagging.

Another odor that I can pick up a mile away is halitosis.  I used to work for someone who's breath got so bad around 3pm, you could smell it outside of his office.  Every afternoon, the hallway would smell like horsehit and rust...otherwise knows as his mouth.  Because I am 4'11", people always bend down and get in my face to talk to me.  1.  I can hear you when you are speaking upright, and 2.  I don't want your mouth air all up in my grill....get out of my face. I could meet my celebrity crush (Dave Grohl), and if he had shit breath, I would have to walk away.  With that said, I am always kissing my dog on the mouth.  For the record, that is different.  Well, kind of.  She eats her own shit.  I'm what people in the world call "contradictory".

In conclusion, smell good.  It's that simple.