She So Funny

By Samantha DeRose

Wow.  Holy Guacamole.  It seems like it's been forever and a day since I've blogged.

Here's a conversation that took place this week.

Podiatrist:  So, what brings you here?

Me:  Well, I hurt my foot about four weeks ago and it's not getting any better and I think it's swollen.

Podiatrist:  Yes, it's very swollen.  You say for FOUR weeks? What did you do?

Me:  I don't remember.

Podiatrist:  What do you mean, you don't remember?  Did you bang it?  Did you twist it?  Did you fall?

Me:  I'm not sure.  All I know is that it was 5 a.m. and I vaguely recall feeling some pain in the same foot where you removed the ganglion cyst 2 years ago and I was like, "Darn it!  I hope I didn't bang the same spot because you said that it'll always be a weak spot,"  but I really don't know what happened.

Podiatrist:  But how could you NOT remember what happened?  Think.  It's very important that you remember.  A fall?  A twist?  Did you drop something on it?

Me:  How could I not remember?  How  COULD I NOT remember?  HOW COULD I NOT REMEMBER?  Well you see, DOC, I get up a t 5 a.m. every morning to walk my asshole dog (who hasn't behaved on a leash for the past 6.5 years) 3.5 miles with my neighbor (and I try not to fart while we're walking because I don't know him that well, but my gastrointestinal tract is not at it's best at such an unGODLY hour...and one did squeak out the other day and I'm still praying that he didn't hear it) BEFORE I have to come home, iron, take a shower, pack my gluten free lunch, and make coffee and put out the vitamins for my eldest son (who won't eat breakfast) and then drop him off at the bus stop by 6:45.  Then I have to make scrambled eggs and toast with vitamins and lay out the inhaler and allergy medicine so that my one child can make it a full year without ending up in the ER with pneumonia and asthma.  Then I make avocado toast for several other people, and 2 more cups of coffee, make sure the others are up, showered, clothed (WITH school IDs and LUNCH MONEY), dishes in the dishwasher,  and get them to the bus stop by 7:20, and THEN be in school by 7:30 MYSELF where I teach 5 different preps and try to get kids to graduate before their retirement.  OH.  Add to that list, Mother's Day,  12 baseball games per week AND practices (for a kid whose own teammates call him a LOSER and a PUSSY because he DOESN'T call the other players LOSERS and PUSSIES the same way that they and their parents do), tae kwon do, cello concerts (two this past week and one more to go), a birthday party, a confirmation (THAT I CATERED and my EX-HUSBAND and HIS FIANCE attended side-by-side with my paramour), OH, and I'M a f$%ing comedian and do shows and write FUNNY F(^&*ing  material.  Did I mention preparing dinner every night?  Laundry and scrubbing piss off of the toilet?  Yeah.  Toilet.  Singular.  ONE TOILET, LOTS OF PEOPLE.

No.  I don't remember what the $%^ I did at 5 a.m. 4 weeks ago to make my foot swell up like a mutant hippopotamus face with elephantiasis.  No.  I don't remember.

Podiatrist:  OK.  You're going to need an MRI ASAP and you need to wear this cumbersome boot and STAY OFF of that foot until we can figure out what you did.

Me:  Stay off the foot?

Podiatrist:  Yes.  Bedrest.

Me:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.    Ha. Ha. Can I get some pain medication?

Podiatrist:  Absolutely.