My Funky Donkey

Urban Dictionary definitions: Funky: Keeping it raw and real; not lying Donkey: A big ass Holy fresh Hell, my funky donkey is out of control.  Since Hurricane Sandy, I haven't bee able to get my ass back in shape...literally.  Oh, the wonders of getting older!  It used to be that I could do TaeBo for 5 days straight and my ass would shrink exponentially.  I've been doing Crossfit, running and yoga for 7 months and the only thing that has happened is more fat has shown up on my ass.  I am a 4'11 pasty honky, who is mostly ass and it's gross. I have gained about 25 lbs in a year.  I'm tired of hearing, "you don't look like you have gained weight".  Stop it!  Stop the lying!  I weighed 98 lbs this time last year.  Now, I weigh 123 lbs.  I'm no math genius, but, I believe that 123>98, right?  I mean, I am Southern and I learned math in a Southern classroom.  So, I might have learned a completely different math than everyone else. I don't know what else to do beside eat kale...for every meal.  Or, maybe I just run  in place for 24 hours, like they do in Scientology. I want to look close to death, instead, I have so much junk in my trunk that it weighs me down.  I feel like I am constantly dragging my ass around, as if I am doing the "boot scoot" like a dog.  So not awesome.  If you guys don't know about Big Sam's Funky Nation, you should.  They are playing a free concert in Brooklyn May 9, 2013.  http://bigsamsfunkynation.com/