VACATION PART TWO – THIS TIME ITS PERSONAL!

By Lisa Harmon

When we left off last, dear reader(s), we had just finished part one of our vacation – an exciting trip to Daytona Beach for Bike Week.

But the fun was just beginning – because the second half of the vacation was on the horizon – the family part!

We were grumpy and tired after a grueling ride south.
 

Sunday was a birthday party for twin one-year olds.  We packed into my Mom's car with gifts, an address, and a GPS.  It was a long drive but you don't even notice in a Caddy after four days of nothing but the bike!
 

The party was in a private house in Miami. I didn't see much of the inside, but they had a huge property with an outdoor kitchen, and a beautiful swimming pool which included a rock water-slide. This is the kind of place I'm going to buy after my first three HBO specials, and I'll never have to travel again. I'll be swimming in the pool, my husband will be grilling burgers and I'll be living in my own private Idaho. This is my fantasy. To get everything I want on my own property so I can have fun without ever having to see another human being besides my husband ever again. Is that wrong?

The party was just like any old family party – the B.O. Boys off to the side, playing dominoes.  We've always called these old guys the B.O. Boys, ever since my Pops' weekly pinochle game when four of his buddies would come over and stink up our house with their cigars and armpits. You have to understand, these guys were not just old, they were old school, and they thought deodorant was for girls.  My grandmother would give them coffee and Entenmann's, and then she, and my brother and I would clear the hell out.  Thankfully for this party we were all seated outside.
 

The old ladies sat inside, with the air conditioning and the TV on.  We didn't see much of them.  I suspect they didn't want to be handed an energetic baby to hold.

We survived the party, with the dancing babies, and the bouncy castle we couldn't bounce in.  Not because we're too fat, because all the teenagers were hanging out in there looking at their phones.

The next day everyone came over to my Mom's.  After everyone left, the Super, my Mother and I all collapsed on the couch.

Luckily we got our second wind, and headed to the casino, because who needs all that heavy cash weighing them down?

Everyone ran over to the slots and started playing and I told myself it couldn't hurt to watch the blackjack table.

The dealer couldn't stop busting. Every hand, bust, bust, bust. Everyone at the table was racking up. I sat down. I started playing. I started winning. This girl could not stop busting. Even when she was giving me fours, twos and sixes up, I knew she would bust, and she did.  I left there up two and half times what I stared with!  It was totally worth that guy next to me chain-smoking Newports.  What's a little carcinogen when you're making good money?

The next day we went to the pool – still too cold to swim, but not too cold to sit there and read Enter Talking by Joan Rivers. Oh, ladies of she so funny, if you think we're having a hard time, please read this book! Back then ladies had to hide their smarts and their sense of humor. I never would have made it! Probably none of us would!

Finally it was time to go home. I took my Mother and her friend to lunch (goodbye Seminole casino winnings) and we headed to the airport.

When we got home the cats must have been too tired to yell at us, and we slept in our own, soft, comfortable, giant bed. And for once I was happy to be home.