So
Bad, It’s Good; So Good, It’s Bad
He squeezed my hand as
I was trying to leave. My willpower is at
moments down to a fiber. I slowly pulled
my hand away and kept walking without looking back. I don’t know how long I can keep his vows.
Our attraction and affection
have been building for years. So when he
put pressure on my hand, I felt it elsewhere.
It’s that bad. Or, it’s that
good.Yes it is.
I’m not looking for a
husband, that’s for sure. But that
doesn’t mean I feel okay about being with someone else’s husband. I don’t feel comfortable with deceit. It feels too badly. Being truthful is typically how I get into
and out of trouble in my life. It seems
the only thing worth it.
I don’t even understand
what many men mean by being married, why they propose,
From the attitude I
received from his spouse the first time we met, and then the nauseatingly phony
like I receive to cover her genuine dislike, they do not have such an
arrangement.
Sometimes I feel like
yelling to all of the mutual acquaintances who have decided I am guilty, “I am probably the
reason we haven’t done anything, you
assholes.” He’s suspected of having a
history of not letting his marital status stop him. That’s not my history/herstory. When I am in a monogamous relationship, I am
monogamous. If I don’t want to be, then
it’s time to wo/man up and say so. Yes,
it is painful to hear, but it’s better than allowing someone to build his/her
life on a loved one’s lies.
I’m not in a
relationship. I’m the free one. Still, from the looks, I’m held more
accountable than he. That’s just not
right.
Oh this is bad ‘cuz it
could be so good.
*Though it is 2013, I should not take
this for granted. I recently heard a man’s
description of sex that so deeply disturbed me, saddened me, and chilled me. My head dropped, my spirit sunk, and my voice
locked. It was as if the past century
never took place. There was zero
acknowledgement of the woman being a human, never mind a sexually alive human
with needs to fill and pleasure to have.
Sex was referred to as a price she pays.
I felt such compassion for the women before me and before laws against
marital rape and for those who don't feel the right to use the law. The effects of oppression go very deep. The description had
nothing to do with pleasure for her. No
mention of a clit. No mention of her orgasm or how to inspire one. It was like a male
porn flick – the kind that would make me cry and make my libido go back generations. The kind where she'd be hurt (and not in any fun way). The kind that would make straight women
ashamed of our orientation. At this
rate, between unavailable and unacceptable, my best bud and I do think it is
possible I will die a born-again virgin.
You are the free 1!
Thank God I am. I didn't commit a crime. Why should I have to be a wife?
no harm no foul ~S
THANK YOU, Samantha! many don't seem to get it that feelings are not actions, AND that the more one knows what s/he is feeling, the more s/he is in charge of her/himself.