ENOUGH WITH THE VEGANS

By Lisa Harmon

Vegans stop putting pictures of your food on facebook! That bowl of mashed greens looks like spinach that's already been recycled, if you get my drift.

And your vegan imitations of regular food – stop it. You're not fooling anyone! That is not a cookie, that is a butternut squash mashed into a patty with carob chips on it.

Cut it out. If you want to be a vegan why can't you just eat vegetables? Why must you insist on calling your various disgusting arrangement of mashed plants veggie burgers, or tofurkey or vegan nut bar with stevia? No one wants to eat that shit and we certainly don't want to see it!

Grow up. Eat a cow. Nothing is going to happen to you. You know how many animals you're saving by eating those leaves and vines? None. You know what you're accomplishing? Being the weight of a teenager well into your midlife crisis. No one wants to see a forty year old in skinny jeans. Cut the shit already.

Also, vegetarians. What's up with those lying jerkwads? “I'm a vegetarian. Oh, I eat fish.” OK I know you're weak from lack of a quality protein/fat combination, but fish is not a vegetable, unless you're in the Tea Party where fish is a vegetable, and you're pregnant two weeks before you meet the penis packer that did it (will do it) to you. Also they don't believe in evolution. Is that whom you wish to align yourself with, ya jerks? Morons that don't “believe” in science? Because I can tell you this, beyond a shadow of a doubt – fish is not a plant. You never heard of a potted fish, or fish bouquet, right? Because fish is meat. Sorry to have to point out the obvious to you. You're clearly well into your self-righteous diatribe about corn syrup and carbohydrates, why let a few little facts get in the way?

And truthfully no one cares what you eat. You know what I don't like, is the pomposity and condescension. I don't care if you're a vegan. Which is a vegetarian. No one cares. It is your rude behavior that no one can stand.

Its not just that you want to live a lifestyle. You want everyone to know it, and you want everyone to rearrange everything because of you. I won't do it. You have made a decision to live your life a certain way, so live it. Why are you busting everyone's balls? It is because it isn't about food. It is about moral superiority. You feel that not eating animals gives you the edge over your fellow humans. In what? In a douchebag contest? You win. You're choosing your diet so you can look down on other people. That is truly admirable!

I'm not saying all vegetarians are like that, but I know more than a few that are. And the ones that are are like those homophobic politicians. The louder they rail against it, the more likely you are to find them eating a hotdog in a closet.