THE GREATEST LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME

By Lisa Harmon

This is the entirely true story of how I met the love of my life.   A truer, stronger love than ours does not exist.

One beautiful day in May I was enjoying a barbecue with my family. We were having hotdogs, hamburgers and lemonade. We were enjoying the warm sunshine and each others' company.

Suddenly, I noticed a man walking down our street. I had the strangest reaction. I immediately thought “This is what everyone is always talking about, love at first sight.” On an intellectual level I tried not to get too excited, but somehow I knew that I was looking at the great love of my life.

This man had a small wiener dog with him. I piped up “Excuse me, would your dog like a hamburger?”

And that's how we met. Apparently, after that first burger, the dog wanted to come by our house every day, and that's how we got to know each other. He was called the Super, his dog's name was Brigitte. He was a building superintendent in the neighborhood, and actually was acquainted with my family. He was single. Brigitte was his only companion.

We were really falling hard for each other. It seemed like it was obvious to everyone, even though we tried to keep it a secret. After spending so much time together, suddenly I didn't see the Super anymore. I called a few times, but he was always busy. I wondered what I had done wrong. My heart was breaking (even though I didn't want to admit it to myself) and I didn't know what, if anything, I could do.

A few days later, I ran into the Super at a neighborhood hangout. A bunch of our neighbors were there, hanging out, with their dogs, just talking and relaxing.

I couldn't control myself, so I ran up to the Super. In front of everyone there, I said, listen, I don't know what you're trying to do, but we're in love, and you can't keep us apart!

The Super looked mortified. He literally cringed in horror. I think he wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. He was shocked by my outburst. I had really caught him off guard.

It was at this point I realized, “He thinks I mean him! Oh my God! What a doof!”

I yelled out, “I am talking about the dog! I am talking about Brigitte! I don't care if I don't see you for three days, but I HAVE to see Brigitte every day! She's my SOUL-MATE!”

I know Brigitte and I were soul-mates because we had the same passions: napping, eating, and flatulence. We also liked to turn on the air conditioner and watch The Nanny which was on a continuous loop on Nickelodeon at the time. And this is how I know Brigitte was really my soul-mate – no matter how much snuggling and cuddling we did, and we did plenty, we never had sex! Not once! Clearly, we were meant to be together!

Unfortunately, my soul mate, the love of my life, my fiance, Brigitte has since passed on to the rainbow bridge, and now its just the Super and me. But I learned a lot from my soul-mate/common-law wife and its good stuff, so I'll pass it along.

Brigitte's Tips for Life

 

1. Never show fear. You may only be eleven pounds, and you may face a great adversary, but you're a mighty wiener dog! Hold your ground, show no fear, and bark your brains out!
2. Edible and inedible are random labels that people with hang-ups use. If you feel like eating some Tupperware, that's your right and your business.
3. Leftovers – if someone finished eating already, but they have a little cheese or sauce stuck in their tooth, it is totally OK to just lick it right out of there! They didn't even know it was there! Go ahead, enjoy!
4. Always save some biscuits for a rainy day. Put some in your bed and put some behind the furniture. You never know!
5. Never eat the pate they serve on the Concord. It is just awful.