HOW TO BE NOT ANGRY*

By Lisa Harmon

*Within reason.  Results not typical.  Please check with your doctor before deciding to be NOT ANGRY.  Discontinue use if diarrhea, vomiting or rash occurs.  If you have an erection for more than four hours, you're a hack.

As long as I can remember, I've spent all my time trying to be NOT ANGRY!  And while it is so good to be angry when I'm doing stand-up or writing my blog, being angry all the time is kind of a rotten lifestyle choice!  But for me, it is hard to be NOT ANGRY!  It seems like the only way for me to be NOT ANGRY is to avoid the things that make me angry.**

**Including but not limited to:

• Grape jelly
• Poodles (standard)
• Poodles (mini)
• My family
• My friends
• The NYC subway
• Mayor Bloomberg - thank you for extending my life so I can hate you for three extra years!
• DIY furniture (yeah, right)
• Software upgrades (I reiterate, yeah, right)
• Google
• The flavor vanilla (artificial and natural)
• Shoes with ankle straps (I'm short enough dammit!)
• People on the train that: fart, clip their nails, and/or eat moo shu pork
• Religion
• Fat clothes that all have patterns like tablecloths - I'm fat, not blind, jackass!
• Poodles (toy)
• Government
• Yeast infections
• Alternate side of the street parking
• That overly-cutesy teddy bear from the Snuggle ads
• Birkenstocks, Crocs AND Uggs
• Old magazines at the doctor's office
• When people say envelope with the French pronunciation
• Rice cakes (its not food  - WAKE UP!)

Even though I may be a ticking time-bomb, through avoidance of the above "triggers" I am sometimes able to extend my NOT ANGRY periods to hours and even days!  To further enhance the illusion of mental stability, I also hang around with a bunch of young, angry comics.  In that context, I seem like the very picture of mental health!

So to sum up, if you want to be NOT ANGRY, or you just want to appear to be NOT ANGRY (to meet girls/avoid being involuntarily committed/adopt a baby/whatever your personal goal) follow my simple plan:  avoid your triggers, relax as much as possible and continue to count your blessings.

Save your anger for the stage*** or some other creative endeavor.  That seems like the only way you can mention it without sounding like a big whiny ahole anyway!


***Please add punchlines first.  I hate listening to ranting, unfunny comics.  Especially when it is me!