She So Funny

10 days of this shit

I am in the beginning stages of the Master Cleanse right now and I am hungry.  Hunger makes me mean and ornery.  Like an old man who hates Jesus, or his wife, or Obama.  I am usually a hater of sorts, but, in this moment, I hate everything.  This is a list of what I am extra hating at the moment:


1.  Teenagers.  They can all fucking go to hell for all I care.  I think parents should lock their kids up until they turn 25, then ship them all to Utah.  

2.  Stuffed foods.  I'm not sure why, but any food that is stuffed with another food makes me angry.  Isn't one food enough?  Why must we stuff hamburgers with foie gras and short ribs?  Just eat the fucking burger.  Put ketchup on it, if you need to "layer a taste".

3.  Board games.  I'd rather run a marathon than play scrabble for 1 hour.  I'd rather spent 48 hours with my parents than play Monopoly for 30 minutes.

4.  Anne Hathaway.  Yeah, yeah, I get it.  She's a great actress.  But, did you hear her Golden Globe speech?  "Thank you Foreign Press for this award.  This blunt object that I will forever use as a weapon against self doubt".  Get the fuck out of here!!  Shut the fuck up with your pretentious bullshit.

5.  Walking my dogs.  I LOVE my dogs, but, I am so over walking those motherfuckers.  I wish that they understood  the rules of the road (especially that a car could kill them) and how to pick up their own shit.  This would make my life a little more lazy and I would love that.

6.  Black and white movies.  I can't stand the acting from that period.  It makes me mad.  I have a hard time watching any "old" movies.  I can't even watch reruns of The Sopranos.  There is something about it that pisses me off.

7.  Most Comedy Club Owners.  Yeah, I said it.  Most club owners are failed comedians themselves and have HUGE chips on their shoulders.  They treat comics like shit and make us grovel for stage time ("oh please sir, your club is so great!  I really love performing for 5 people who can't speak English!").  I overheard one club owner say to a new comic, "No one wanted to tell Dane Cook that he was a hack.  But, I did.  Because I care about comics.  I care about you guys".  Right.....

8.  Facebook and Twitter. I just can't get behind it.  I have never been on either and I have no interest.  If you want to get in touch with me, call or email me.  It's as easy as that.  If you want to be friends, that's totally cool.  I'm not that selective.

9.   Hipsters.  Doesn't everyone?  Hating hipsters is very unoriginal.  And unoriginality pisses me off.

10.  This fucking cleanse.  I am soooo hungry!!

Hey you!  Fuck off!