The Circle of Life

 

I am happy to be able to say I was in a show on 12/20/12 and did well.  I needed that.  I made conscious improvements, and I just was more comfortable partly because I had been there before.  When I got down from the stage, other comics gave me knuckles (the pound, I believe is what it’s called).  Later, the comics and some audience members complimented me.  Things felt good again in this arena.

I stayed and watched the whole show.  That is always my preference.  I like to step back and look at the whole canvas.  Some people create a work of art when putting a show together; others may slop it together more but it can still come out well.  Many make room to put comics in who drop by unexpectedly while others have their show planned and that’s that.  I understand both choices. 

When I had shows, I gave lots of thought to who I booked and the order of the line-up from the viewpoint of the audience.  I charged and wanted people leaving feeling happy with their evening out.  So I didn’t book anyone I’d never heard perform, I made programs, and I wasn’t open to surprise performers and especially if I’d never heard them perform.  Sometimes that led to uncomfortable moments where a comic heard about my show, came, introduced himself to me, but didn’t expect to pay as a guest and would ask to be put on the show.  No to being on the show – it was not an open mic.  (Lisa Harmon’s mom paid, for goodness sake.  And she’d eat and drink and enjoy the show.)  I’d let the comic stay for free, but the place expected everyone to buy something.  Hearing, “I’m a comic” did nothing for the small bar/restaurants trying to keep their place in existence.  These were not comedy clubs but were open to me having shows in their establishments.

When going over everything in my mind, I come to the same conclusion much of the time.  I like my material.  I need to work on my comfort up there.  Some audiences are easier than others for different types of comedy, but I want to be able to do my best in all kinds of scenarios. 

When I was up there, I caught myself doing what my friend pointed out at the show where I did not do well.  I stopped and consciously planted myself and didn’t move around without a reason.  That helped me feel centered, and I even felt comfortable enough to address the noisy people in the back who may have been waiting for the music show that would follow.   I didn’t bring notes up there; no writing on my hand either.  I relaxed my brain enough to trust myself to remember.

Another interesting thing for me to note for myself was that a comic in the show where I didn’t do so well was in both shows, and while he did well in the one I didn’t, he did not as well in the one where I did do well.  It can all change from one show to the next.  He’s funny.  But he had to work harder in the latter.  Seeing that helped me feel normal in terms of the journey.  We each have our night.  Sometimes in that circle, it is my turn.  

The next day, 12/21, was my birthday which was good in the important ways, and the world did not end.  I’m glad.  I wasn’t afraid, but I would’ve felt further gypped. 

Twenty-one years ago today, 12/25, I was going home from the hospital with my 2-day-old baby boy. 

 Merry Christmas.  More importantly, be Christmas.

…

After writing this, I learned my oldest aunt passed away on my birthday. 

Selma, may you be in real peace and know the love of my mother and God.  Thank you, in spite of many feelings, for helping to keep me out of the foster care system when I was seven.  It was the right thing to do.