PLEASE DON'T COME TO MY SHOW!

By Lisa Harmon

This week I am going to write about some of the creeps that I don't want showing up when I'm performing.  I know there's a difference between group psychology and individual jerks but being in a crowd doesn't eliminate the jerkiness!

Most comedy audience members are there to have fun.  They have an open mind and they're ready to laugh and be silly and enjoy.  But, there's one knucklehead in every crowd (usually more than one)!

What I hate the most is the fake "sensitive" people.  First of all, I'm not sure I value sensitivity as a human trait.  An easiness to be offended somehow doesn't strike me as the most virtuous of mind-sets.  And yet they're out there - the offended people.  There are tons of them, they are always offended, and they don't know where to turn!

Once when I was feeling ambitious I decided to try to live-tweet the Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne.  I love her.  By the way, live tweeting isn't that easy.  You've got to watch the show, come up with hilarious comments and post your tweet without missing anything that's going on on the show.  It turned out to be way more difficult than I expected.

But you know who did find it easy?  The one offended asshole.  She had no problem, after every joke, pointing out why it wasn't funny, and was indeed, offensive.  She even said (I'm paraphrasing) I've been watching this show for an hour and its sad how unfunny these people are.  In my mind, what's sad, is some lonely loser, watching a show she allegedly doesn't like, so she can criticize it mercilessly.  Why is she still watching it, if she is so damn offended?  Maybe she's seven hundred pounds and can't change the channel because she sat on the remote.  Is there anything more stupid than watching something you don't like so you can rip it apart?  Suffering through the horrors of comedians saying words you don't like!  Well let me stop right here to thank you, you selfless person, for sitting through it and explaining it to us that are so stupid we actually enjoy it!

Anyway, if you want to create an endless loop of unfounded criticism, why don't you just have a kid, like everybody else?

Needless to say, these people are of questionable intelligence (that's putting it nicely), but beyond that, they want to complain about stuff they've got no business complaining about.  Not only do they (pretend to?) not enjoy it, but they want to make sure that nobody else enjoys it either.  Full of shit, miserable little buzzkills with no talent and a need for attention, is what they are.

This is the same mentality of those certifiable nutjobs that got all bent over Married With Children all those years ago.  I am assuming many of them committed suicide or moved to Canada when Ellen came out.
It is not enough for these people to change the channel and tell their kids not to watch it.  No.  They want it stopped.  And they want an apology.  And they want it now.  And you better not argue, because they are clearly superior and unassailable in their position.

I can't stand these stuck-up, prissy, hypocritical little geeks.  That's why no one likes you and you have to watch tv all the time.  Lighten up and stop being a prick!

But I've seen this same behavior exhibited by live comedy crowds too.  Now these nitwits, there's no explanation for.  You came to a comedy show.  It is not all about love and respect and being PC.  What are you, some kind of moron?  Here's a joke you would like  "Two Jews walked into a bar.  They chatted amicably, had a drink, and then went to their respective homes."  Is that what you motherfuckers want?  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!?!?

Comics, I don't know what their story is, even when they're told to work clean, they never seem to.  One middler I rode to a gig with started dropping F-bombs, even though we were supposed to work clean.  Anyway, he did it with a real thick, put-on Irish brogue, so it didn't even really sound like F-bombs.  The audience was eating it up - loving every minute of it.  He killed.

Of course some motherless, unloved misanthrope with halitosis and a lazy eye (I don't know who it was, but I stand by my description) immediately called the booker (I mean I don't think he was off the stage yet) to complain.

What is wrong with these people?  If words bother you that much what are you doing at a comedy show?  And anyway, what is the big deal?  What are you worried about?  Do you really feel this is the best use of your time?  I mean, Obama signed away our Constitution, where's your (fake) outrage?

Loss of civil liberties, destruction of the American constitution, no problem.  But you better not say "fuck" or make a joke about fat people, gay people, black people, etc., etc.

You fucktards have a lot of energy and you're real good at making signs and walking around in circles with them.  If only you'd direct your energy to something important, like unlawful detention, or illegal wiretaps.  That will never happen!  Because if you keepers of morality waste all your time on that, who's going to protect us from the likes of Gilbert Gottfried?  Good luck, and godspeed (I don't know what that means) but please, please PLEASE do not come to my show.