A converation with a crossfit coach

I don't know if anyone who reads this blog is involved in crossfit, or knows anyone who is.  Crossfit is a crazy ass exercise cult.  It is fucking insane.  The people who do it are insane.  The workouts are insane.  There is even a diet attached to the cult that is insane.  I'm not sure why I decided to give it a try...well, yes I do...because I am insane.  The goal to most workouts is not to puke....oh, and to stay alive.

crossfit "games"

3 times a week, I go see my own crossfit Jim Jones and we have our "session".  It fucking sucks...hard.  This is a typical conversation with a (my) crossfit coach:

Coach:  I'm totally pumped that you have decided to do crossfit.  It is the best decision that you will have ever made.  I'm totally stoked that you are here.

Me: Ok..

Coach: Today, we are going to work on some totally gnarly lifts, but, it's all going to be worth it in the end.  You might rip your pecs and biceps simultaneously, but, its totally worth it.  Trust me, I've ripped mine 32 times, and look, I can still walk.  Anyway, I'm totally stoked that you are here.  Totally pumped.

Me:  Ok.....

Coach: After this workout, you are going to be totally pumped and want to come back again and again and again.  I'm so stoked that you are here.

Me:  Ummm........

Coach:  To warm up today, I need you to run 22 miles, come back and do 1000 air squats, then swing from the rafters by your tongue, then drop down and give me 500 push ups.  You have 20 minutes to do all of this.  3-2-1.  Go!!

Me: What?

Coach:  Oh yeah, wait a second.  Let me put on some tunes to get you extra pumped for the workout!  (Amy Grant blasts in the background)  Ok, now 3-2-1 Go!!!  GET FUCKING PUMPED!!!!

Some crossfit cult members