Under That Pink Skirt

Most of us are multi-taskers out of necessity, so I’m really glad there are many things that happen automatically that I don’t have to think about, like breathing and my heart beating, blinking and swallowing, digesting food and being a female. It would be so exhausting and consuming to have to be constantly establishing how not a man I am. Imagine …

“That’s right I’m a woman; I’m menstruatin’ right now! Yo, can you spare a pad? Oh thanks. You’re a doll. No lesbo or anything. Just thanks for the pad, girl. ‘Cuz I’m a woman and I don’t go that way. I’m a woman; these are real (points to breasts and then adjusts them exaggeratedly). That’s right. I ain’t no dude. I’m menstruatin’ big time. So don’t get any ideas. Why ya gotta stand so close to me? I can hear you from over there. No lesbo.”

There are so many times I want to tell a man to relax. Nothing will fall off. Some are really so driven by this need to remind themselves how they aren’t gay and they aren’t a “bitch.” Besides their disclaimer “no homo,” my young adult student also told me about the disclaimer “pause.” I asked, “So if you are kind to another male, you have to say ‘pause’?” He nodded. I told the class that if a man goes home with another man and has sex all night, I don’t think that pause button is going to work. Everyone laughed but the one I meant it for.

I’ve been taken for the opposite gender several times in my life, and I found it amusing. So why is it such a thing, I wondered. Then it dawned on me. It’s the same thing with blacks and whites, gays and straights, etc., etc. They’d be afraid of being treated the way they treat us. Being thought of as childlike and cute or ugly and worthless, a bitch or a slut, being harassed as we go about our daily business and endangered by those lacking self-control must not seem very appealing. And so some scramble around, holding their package while baring their ass, calling us bitches and complaining about not getting pussy.

A man I know, who does not fit that description at all, doesn’t doubt his maleness all day either. He has other insecurities as we all do, but he doesn’t obsess about not being gay or not being female. It’s a given. He assumes his dick is still attached and doesn’t use one hand to cup it all day. And when a bunch of women he knows wanted to dress him up as a woman for some kind of costume party, he was fine with it. He’s not very feminine looking; his features are manly, and he is quite hairy. They had fun trying. He looked funny and not at all like a woman, more like a man in kooky clothes. They took photos which were amusing. He said that now he won’t be able to run for president.

He told me, in a voice as sure as nipples harden in the cold, that he didn’t care if they put him in a pink skirt with fringes because he knows that under that pink skirt, he has a big dick.

Mindy Matijasevic will be performing her stand-up on December 13, 2012, 8pm at the Grisly Pear, 107 MacDougal Street, Greenwich Village, NYC (NO cover & NO drink minimum!)

She So Funny