She So Funny

by Samantha DeRose








Well, it seems I've survived another Thanksgiving weekend of family, friends, food, and folly.  I'm not going to tell you about my method of storing leftovers on my front porch (weather permitting)... and I'm certainly not going to tell you about how I went out to the porch on Friday morning, fork in hand, donning threadbare pajamas, and how I devoured (a less-than-lady-like portion of) the gluten free carmel apple pie only to see my neighbors across the street looking in at me as I enjoyed my a.m. feast.  I felt like Templeton (I originally wrote Carlton but had the presence of mind to Google it because I knew it wasn't right) the Rat from Charlotte's Web after a night at the fair grounds singing "A fair is a veritable smorgasbord!"

Thanksgiving was at my mom's house...again.  I have to say, the highlight of every Thanksgiving is creeping my cousin, Sue, out with my mother's antiques.  Zelda in particular.  My mom is a collector of the absurd.  She and my dad used to own an antiques store and when it closed, their house became the museum of oddities that it is today.  Zelda is a dolly that sits atop my mother's china closet.  Zelda is the cause of many a nightmare.  Sue and I named her Zelda because she looks like the sister in Pet Semetary.
I don't know if you remember the movie, but the mother in the movie had a flashback of caring for her disfigured sister.  The memory haunted the mother in the movie much like the way that the dolly haunts my cousin and me.  Nothing like some good old fashioned horror on Thanskgiving.

Of course, I did have the good fortune of having a touch of a stomach bug this weekend... which I consider a blessing after my glutinous endeavors.  Seriously, I am I the only one who gets overjoyed when this happens?  It's like a gift, I tell ya.  A GIFT!

Speaking of gifts, it's Cyber Monday.  Considering that I have no money, I have to say that I'm glad that online shopping has become a holiday tradition.  As a rule, I'm not a good shopper.  I'm the one who waits until Christmas Eve to do EVERYTHING.  I'm the one who gets angry when I hear people saying, "I finished all of my shopping in September."  To them I say,  "Go #$@% yourself, you overly prepared twits!  Does it make you feel good to shove that in the faces of us ill-prepared @-holes?  I bet your halls have all been decked with boughs of holly, your tree is trimmed (since the week before Thanksgiving), and you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the holiday joy!"

So, I'll click and I'll clack in my threadbare pajamas (I'll put them back on when I get home from work), I'll eat more carmel apple pie from the porch (the neighbors need another show), and I'll fill my e-carts with gifts that will only be returned or obsolete by the time they arrive at my house.  Of course, I'll procrastinate with wrapping until Christmas morning.  That's just me.

Let the madness begin, my friends.  Enjoy.