She So Funny

By Samantha DeRose

So, it's Sunday night and my blentry is supposed to be posted by midnight.  Clearly I've been remiss in my duties over the last few weeks, months, whatever.  I have no excuses.  Well, at least no excuses that anyone gives a crap about.  We're all busy.  We all have lives.  I'm not the only one who multitasks.  I GET IT!

I'm going to preface this by saying that I've just had a rather large Sunday dinner with the portion of the family that cared to show up for the sumptuous pot roast that I cooked today (in between working and appointments).   I've showered.  I've completed work on my friend's website (for the evening), and I'm on my 2nd warm milk and brandy (lighter on the milk).  This post has the potential to go anywhere because, my friend, I have no topic.  None whatsoever.

So here goes.

I'll start with a rant.

Most of you (ok...the one of you who reads my entries) know that I'm a teacher by day.  Tomorrow, every school, EVERY school has off for Columbus Day.  BUT my lovely town sees fit to schedule staff development day EVERY F~CKING Columbus Day.  Martin luther King Day, too (and NO, it's not a typo.  I know the "l" in "luther" is supposed to be capitalized, but the "l" key is broken on my ancient Mac and in order to type an "l" I have to copy and paste an "l" into every word that requires an "l".... and right now, the lower case "l" is saved in my copy's memory and I don't feel like going to Google and typing the word "lisa" into the search engine so that I can find an upper-case "l" to copy and paste into this blog.  AND, reader, I do realize that in the time I wrote my explanation of the non-capitalized "l", I could have copied AND PASTED 40 quatchalillion capital "l's" BUT THAT'S NOT MY POINT!

I'm pissed that I have to work on Columbus Day when the rest of my house and New JERSEY gets to sleep late.  I'm particularly bitter this year because we just settled on a BUllSH!T contract after having NOTHING for 3 years and we had to settle for a slap-in-the-face contract because teachers in my town are desperate.  Desperate enough to settle on a contract that now has us working AT A lOSS because...well, just because we're tired.  And that's what "the man" wanted.  They wore us down and now we're tired.

We had to vote on this Piece of Sh!t contract on Friday.  I really and truly wanted it to fail so that we could continue to fight for every penny of our worth, but alas, I was notified Friday, via text, JUST PRIOR TO GOING ON STAGE that the cockamamie contract passed.  AND I HAVE TO GO TO WORK ON COlOMBUS DAY!  (My set was decent... no mention of the contract or working on Columbus Day).

Here's the icing on the mother f~cking Fudgie the Whale Columbus Day Cake!  In the past, teachers have always been able to attend these staff development days (in which we listen to the SAME G~DD~AMNED DRIVEl year after year) in casual attire.  We received a memo on Friday that stated, and I quote, "Please note that Staff Development Day is not a district approved dress down day.  Teachers are expected to dress professionally."

You mean to tell me that we've been porked up the educational bunghole for 3 years without anything, we had to settle on a contract which now has us working AT A lOSS, we have to come in on a day that our kids can sleep in and meditate about the guy who porked the real founders of this country up their Native American bungholes, and you're telling me that I can't wear my PAJAMA JEANS to attend 8 hours of the same malarky that I've been listening to for TWElVE (12) YEARS?

Hang on.  I need another brandy (and milk).

Whew.  That's better.

Hey.  Guess what?  I was hypnotized today!  Yep.  M' Gal Pal has a Metaphysical Center in Jersey and a bunch of the folks who work there were trained in hypnosis, so we all got a free session!  It was kind really cool.  My one son was also hypnotized.  I suspect he asked the hypnotizer to help him to be more adept at Grand Theft Auto, but he at least had the decency to tell me that he asked to be more focused on cello.  My other son asked to be hypnotized to focus more on academics (he's probably still reeling from our last "YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS" battle... or conversely, he probably wanted to be hypnotized to grow a bigger ding dong)

At any rate, you should check out the center's website (www.montclairmetaphysical.com - I'll be redesigning the site in the next few weeks, so if any of you want to hire me as a web designer after viewing the final product so that I can feed my F~CKING FAMIly, please feel free to contact me).

So, I was hypnotized to feel more confident about my comedy (and a perkier bust).

In hindsight, I should probably have focused on anger management or on being more focused with my writing or on being on time.

I hope you're all enjoying this from your cozy beds.  Happy Co-F^CKING-lumbus Day!

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOVE, 
Samantha

P.S.  I was just told that this entry sounds crazy.  But I don't care.  I made my deadline for once and I have to get up early to work on Columbus Day.

P.P.S.  I was just told that I seem angry which just makes me want to punch the person in the throat who said that I seem angry... because that person doesn't have to work on COlUMBUS DAY!