Hairdressers

By Lisa Harmon

Getting a haircut from a new hairdresser is always such a magical experience.  As they look at my hair and cut it, they always say enthusiastic things like “You have such straight hair!” and “It is so shiny!”  I usually leave with a haircut that garners compliments for up to two weeks!

A great first haircut creates some kind of small hope for the future.  Hope that I have found THE ONE; the hairdresser that will always be there, for now and forever, to make me look terrific, even on short notice! 

Sadly, I’ve been hurt before.  So many fantastic first haircuts, only to be followed by haircuts of decreasing quality, until finally I wind up with a hack job similar to Mom putting a bowl on baby’s head and cutting away while in a hysterical panic, or so the results seem to indicate.

What causes this decline in coiffure quality?  Why does it appear to be inevitable?  Is there a way to keep a relationship with one stylist and still look my best?  Is there really a THE ONE in my hair’s future?  Tune in next week…just kidding. 

As spa services go, I’d say a first haircut is a nine on a scale of one to ten.  (Ten is the best, as if you couldn’t figure it out, ya nitpickers!)  A tenth haircut is a four on the scale.  And by haircut number fifteen, I’ve got to bail.  End the relationship.  It is time to move on.  By the way, on my spa services scale, a Brazilian is a negative six.  Not that I’ve ever had one.  I’m not even exactly sure what it is.  But would you do something you thought was a negative six?  Me neither!  Maybe if I was drunk.

So what, exactly, happened to my haircut?  Mainly I believe it is that hairdressers lose interest in my hair.  Yes.  Quicker than a single guy can lose interest in my…ahem.

Rejection based on my hair only.  Is that harder or easier to take than a guy breaking up with me?  I can’t decide.  At least the guy breaking up has ammo, something to work with – he’s seen me without makeup, naked, and he knows what I’m like in the morning.  But my hair?  Reject me out of boredom for my beautiful silky hair?  That’s just cruel.

What if other professions besides hairdressers rejected me out of boredom?  My gynecologist would be rolling her eyes,  and saying “Ok, I get it, it’s a vagina.  I’ve seen it ten times already!  At least get a yeast infection once in a while or something!  Boring! So predictable!”

My accountant:  “Listen I can’t do your taxes anymore.  W2s, 1099’s, I’d like to do your taxes but I keep falling asleep!  Could you open up a shell corporation or make some investments in derivatives?  That would be great for me because it is totally out of my area of expertise and I love a challenge!  The only thing I love more than a challenge is screwing with the IRS!”

My supermarket cashier:  No she’d never get bored with me.  I’m always on a diet or a binge.  That’s one person that I keep on her toes.

My mechanic:  “Ug, Lisa don’t bring your car here anymore.  It’s dullsville, baby!  You never drive, you don’t even have normal wear and tear!  You could use new brakes but frankly I feel it is beneath me to install them on this vehicle.  Please take your business elsewhere!”

None of that other stuff has ever happened!  So listen up, hairdressers!  I’m tired of your rejection!  If you gave me a great haircut once, you can do it again!  Get in the game!  Focus!  Please, don’t send me back out there!  We were so happy together for the first three haircuts.  I’m begging!  I don’t want to be alone and shaggy again!  All I meet out there are jerks!  Please…don’t leave me.  I need you!  My hair needs you!  Let’s stay together for the follicles sake.