She So Funny

Dear Jane, or maybe Edith or perhaps even some weird native american name,

You can be whatever you want in life, even a comedian! But not an architect because I hear they that they're really a dime a dozen these days and I don't see that changing. I hope you are not a republican but if you are, I will respectfully argue with you about such matters often. Your grandpa is a republican and bless his heart... he doesn't get it.

Don't mix up the names of your black friends. That's racist.

You are beautiful and perfect and I'm sorry if you experience the same societal pressures I did growing up to be thin and pretty and loved by every boy. If so, get over it. Also, don't be a slut. Sluts never win in the long run. Men can be sluts too. Don't date a man slut.

If you meet a boy who smokes weed the second he gets up in the morning and has a framed marijuana leaf above his bed, do not date him. He is bad news bears.

If you meet a boy who says he doesn't care that you're not Jewish even though his family will disown him if you got married, don't you fucking dare date that boy.

If you meet a boy who respects you and sings you cute songs when you wake up in the morning and all you do is laugh and have movie marathons and inspire each other's creativity... DATE THAT MO FUCKA!

If you get bullied in middle school, please know that the person who is saying horrible things about you is going to not go to college, have 4 kids with 2 different men, do a large amount of drugs, and MAYBE get promoted to associate manager at the local CVS at best. Trust me on this.

I really hope I don't suck as a mom but if I do, give me a break. I will probably screw up your life at some point by accidentally leaving a porn DVD on my computer when you're way to young to comprehend sex, or say some horrible sarcastic thing that I don't mean when you're too young to understand sarcasm. If so, sorry dude.

And remember: where ever you go... there you are. (a middle school who I had a crush on wrote that in my year book one time and I don't really know what that means but I imagine it's important and philosophical and its something you can tell other people)

XOXO
Momz