The Perfect Scam

By Rhonda Hansome

For some odd reason I decided to reconcile my checking account; oh I remember why, my checks were bouncing like a cheerleader on a trampoline. I can’t believe I still go 6 months at a time without balancing my check record. Oh you do that too?  In that case dear reader, I’ve suddenly lost a lot of respect for you.  Over a half year some still unknown crafty son of a bitch stole money from my account. Get this, stole my money in increments of 38 and 62 cents. Not dollar$$. Well (s)he did siphon the occasional $3.29, but mostly 38 and 62 CENTS at a time!

It was the perfect scam. I didn’t even notice the rip-off until I was months past the window to be fully reimbursed by the bank.  Now I’m not talking Cayman Islands bank account numbers or old money daddy left me a trust fund numbers.  My daddy never even gave me a daddy! I’m talking what I bank after shopping the local food pantry, Goodwill and .99 Cent Store. BTW don’t buy post-it notes or toilet paper from the .99 Cent Store.  The notes don’t stick and the toilet paper can’t wipe shi… but I digress.

Nickel and dime thieving day after day, gets my vote as THE brilliant scam.  Forget the mugged in London and owing a $2,000.00 hotel bill for which a passport is being held hostage scam.  Forget the Nigerian royalty with a $20,000,000 inheritance offering a sizeable commission to help transfer funds scam.  The bride with cancer needs a honeymoon scam, can’t hold a candle to the relentless pilfering of pennies scam.  It wins hands down!  Be advised, in some Google+ circles I’m known as Empress Math Anxiety.  So a penny off here, a quarter off there, on a cursory glance, looks like a simple math error in my running totals.

Before having my own money released to me I often have to recite the last 4 digits of my Social Security number*, the name of my third grade teacher and eye color of my first pet.  How did this enigmatic, genius con artist get my shekels to disappear without a check, bank card or my secret PIN** number?  I don’t know but that mysterious virtuoso displaced my number 1 all -time admired scam artist, Lil’ Big Jimmy.   Lil’ Big Jimmy had a disarming smile and a never fail formula.  Upon leaving the company of a new acquaintance, he’d bestow a warm pat on the shoulder, flash a beguiling smile and say, “Eagle flies on Friday! Let me hold a five spot ‘til then.”  It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a command and Lil’ Jimmy always left with cash.  It was a perfect scam.

 *1234

**5678