She So Funny

By Samantha DeRose

My blog's going to be extremely late today... but I know you'll forgive.  I'll be back later with a full post. 

OK.  I'm back.  It's 1:24 and I'm, well, obviously, extremely late.  I had great intentions of writing my blog at church, yes, church, where I thought I'd have sufficient pew time to pen an entry.  But alas, it was not to be.  So here I sit during my free period at school trying to piece together some of the notes that I wrote down whist sitting in my pew yesterday.

Confession time...even though I was raised Lutheran and we don't believe in confession.  I bring my kids to Sunday school.  All the more reason for them to hate me.  Hear me out.  I went to church every Sunday until I went off to college.  It was a social thing.  Lots of my friends from high school belonged to the parish, so Sundays were just an extension of hang-out time together - sharing stories of the parties from the night before, we occasionally went on retreats (where we often drank a little more than just communion wine), so it really wasn't the fire and brimstone that one would think.  It was kind of fun and my friends were kind of hilarious.

I went on to college and became an English major (hence the day job teaching high school English) and guess what?  Some of what I had heard every Sunday had proven to be useful from an historic standpoint.  All of those biblical references in Shakespeare, Chaucer, Joyce, you name it, I understood it.  Kind of cool.

So I send my kids.  They go with my parents on Sundays, but I attend once in a blue moon when my kids need a real parent for some type of holiness. 

Yesterday was what we Lutherans (or as you Catholics like to call us, Sinners...better than being one of those Presbians)  call Homecoming Sunday.  It's basically the first Sunday back after not worshipping for the summer.

I managed to jot down some notes from the sermon:
1. Homecoming - Kind of like the homecoming game, only the homecoming king wears sandals
2  Gadgets - 3 kindles (my 2 sons & my nephew), 1 iPad (my niece), 1 iphone (me) - How on earth did I survive with just that little tiny pew pencil drawing on the back of that communion record card? 
3.  Jesus touching someone's tongue - I came in late to this one because I was making funny faces at my niece... She got in trouble for laughing and I pretended it wasn't me.  I'm 43.
4.  Casting Out Demons - I don't know if this came after the tongue touching, but somewhere a demon was cast out.  I always wondered where the demons went after they were cast out.  They never say. Or if they did say, I wasn't paying attention...I was probably hung over.
5.  Part of the Inner Circle of being Christian -  Apparently, there was some girl who was kind of a bitch, and at first, Jesus was just going to let her suffer with whatever affliction she had.  I dunno.  Leprosy, blindness, muteness (?).  But then he realized that she was a member of the club and decided to fix 'er up.  As long as you're a member, there's help for you!
6.  Communion - This part was fun.  We went up for communion and we all knelt down at the wooden thingy (great description for an English teacher).  Now, my mother just had double knee surgery, so she remained standing.  My sister was two communees away from me and she made eye contact with me and was giggling.  SHIT!!!  I mouthed, "What???"  She mouthed, "I was wondering why Mommy seemed so tall"  I started to shake, Mommy shot me a dirty look.  My sister is 52.  We got in trouble.
7.  VAT EES WRONG MIT YOU?  VY DEED YOU DO DAT TO YOURSELV?   YOU LOOK SCHTRAINCH-  That's the German accent for, "What is wrong with you?  Why did you do that to yourself?  You look strange." This was the conversation that I had with an elderly "friend" of the family who has never said ONE nice thing to me in 43 years.  He was referring to my haircut - I shaved it in May for a children's cancer research fundraiser -   I gave him a card for The Allwood Funeral Home and told him that he'd better make those pre-arrangements sooner rather than later.
8.  This is the gay line, this is the straight line.  Following the service there was a pot luck. Another fine parishioner  was directing feasters to either side of the table by saying, "This side is for the gay people, this side is for the straight people."  I asked him if was on these lines because the douche bag line was too long.

I also recorded some hymns with some really off key high notes, but I can't figure out how to transfer it onto my computer and I don't want to be any later than I already am.

Pretty sure that my mom won't be speaking to me for two weeks due to #6, #7, #8 (possibly #2 & #3) - All in the name of the father, son, and comedy spirit, AYMEN!