I WANT MY MOMMY!

By Lisa Harmon

You guys know the old joke “I just got a dog for my wife.  It was a good trade.”  Ha ha ha, men are so hilarious you almost forget what big babies they all are.

Well I got a husband for my Mom.  Not exactly.  It’s just that I now have a husband and I don’t have my Mom.  Oh Mom is still alive and everything!  Just she doesn’t live in Queens anymore!  She’s all the way down in Florida, the Sunshine State.  She lives in a place where everybody discusses what they had for lunch in great detail. 

We have always lived in Queens.  Queens is just like those poor suckers who live across the street from the beach.    Oh!  So close!  You almost made it!  You almost made it to living on the beach, you’re only across the street! 

Of course being across the street, you may as well be across a ten lane boulevard or one hundred ten lane boulevards, you’re not on the beach!

That’s Queens!  Oh, you almost made it, so close!  So close to Manhattan.  But you’re in stupid Queens.  So sad!

It isn’t just losing, it is coming in second.  Second!  That means, if just one Saturday night we worked instead of taking the night off, we might have made it!  Damn!  I hate second!

But I digress.

I remember around the time of my wedding (eight years ago), my Mom said something that really stuck with me.

My Mom always encouraged me to get a good education, work, and take care of myself.  She never suggested I should marry, or that I had to marry or that me being married was something she desired.  She just wanted me to be self-reliant.

She never asked for grandchildren either.  She probably already knew the answer to that one.

What my Mom said was (I am paraphrasing) I  know why people want their kids to get married.  I asked “why”?  She said, because they don’t want their kid to be alone when they die.  They know they’re getting old and they don’t want to flat-leave the kid.

Wow, heavy stuff. 

Now my Mom’s in Florida.  Which is not exactly around the corner.  And now I’m thinking about what she said, and I realized, a husband for a Mommy is a RAW DEAL!

I’ll give you my husband and you give me my MOMMY!!!!!!

Getting a husband instead of a Mommy is like getting a dishwasher to replace a puppy.  Not exactly the same.  Kind of not even close!  It’s like, the CEO is leaving the company, but the stoner kid from the mailroom is taking over.  I mean he’s totally cute and do-able but all he knows how to take care of is motorcycles, not HUMANS!

My husband doesn’t look at growths on my skin and tell me if its cancer or a mosquito bite!

My husband didn’t get the glass out of my foot on labor day weekend when the doctors were all closed!

My husband didn’t run over at 6A.M. when I was in excruciating pain to wait for the ambulance with me!  (He was already there, but he yelled at me when I threw up – a Mommy would never yell at a sick person!)

My husband isn’t smarter than Web MD, Wikipedia, Google, and AskJeeves combined!

In short – I think I’m trying to say

I WANT MY MOMMMMMMMMY!!!!