She So Funny

Don't eat junk before dinner.
Don't drink.
Don't smoke.
DON'T YELL AT YOUR BROTHER!
Don't leave dishes in the sink.
Always use sunscreen.
Don't cut your own hair.
Study for tests.
Stop farting/burping.
Do homework.
Listen to your mother!
Don't procrastinate.

You get the picture.   It's the last morsel of hypocrisy that warrants explanation.

Don't read 50 Shades of Grey.

There.  I've said it.  Please don't tell my best friend (SINCE THE FIRST GRADE), Marygrace, about this.  Please.

Here's how I fell prey to this little nugget of nonsense.

With all of the hullabaloo over 50 Shades, I had decided that I was above...yes...above reading this formulaic series of foreplay and fornication.  Marygrace agreed.  We had dinner at her house several months back and were kvetching about how women were going ape-doodoo over this mindless mush.  Marygrace lamented that her book club was reading it and how it had pained her to attend every gathering.

"Oh, Mayr, I'm so sorry you have to put up with that.  I WILL NEVER read that.  Don't go any further, Mayr.  Just abstain until they're finished with it."

Of course, she couldn't leave the group.  We all know what PTA moms can be like... Every town has them.  A gaggle of women who stand in the park, ostracizing the moms who aren't pulling their weight at the tricky tray, whispering about who's child had an outburst in class distracting their poor genius child.  Don't get me started.

I thought that it might be a hoot to do a video parody of 50 Shades with my cat and a British male reading an excerpt (my Mac has text-to-speech and the snarky Brit is just fabulous).  But I couldn't find an excerpt anywhere online.  So I downloaded a copy into iBooks... Strictly for RESEARCH and in the name of comedy. 

It was easy.  I found an excerpt a few pages in, transcribed it, video taped my cat, set it to music, and voila!  I had my parody.  And I forgot about the book.

Until...I had to take my son to the doctor 2 weeks ago.  The receptionist told us that the doctor had an emergency and would be slightly longer than she thought.  My son sat quietly "reading" on his Kindle Fire and I sat staring at my iPhone without solid 3G connection. I flipped through the Apps.  I couldn't play my tiles on WwF against Donna or Andrea.  No DAMNED 3G!  What to do.  What to do. I flipped to the iBooks app.

And there it was.  Staring at me.  Taunting me.  Begging me to dip my toe in the pool.  I tried to resist.  My breathing quickened.  That burning curiosity.  My palm was twitching around the hard Otter box that protected my iPhone.  I couldn't take my eyes off of it.  The receptionist slid the window opened in only a way that a receptionist could open a waiting room window.  Her eyes darted from my son to me.  From me to my son. 
"The doctor's going to be about another 30 minutes.  Is that ok?"
I blushed crimson and forced a whisper, "Yes."  Oh yes.

My inner goddess danced knowing that I was about to enter into forbidden territory and there was no turning back.
In the bathroom.
On the couch.
On line at the grocery store.
In the bedroom.
In the car.
In my classroom during my lunch break.

I curse myself with every swipe of the page.  Infuriated that I've been sucked in to no gal's land.

And Friday, it came to an end.  My friend, Maria, came into my classroom at the end of the day as I was finishing the final chapter and asked suspiciously, "What are you doing?  It looks like you're up to no good."

I bit my lower lip.

"Bleh.  I'm reading that stupid book 50 Shades of Grey.  I started the damned thing and now I have to finish.  I can't wait until it's done.  I heard there are 2 more, but I just can't."

Maria shook her head in disappointment and left me alone to finish the last pages of the 1st book.

It's Monday.  I'm in the middle of the 3rd book.   Please.  I beg of you.  Do as I say, not as I do.