Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire...

A comic invited his comedy friends to roast him on his birthday.  I was on his list.  I am not the roasting type.  I’ve never done it before.  And my knowledge of his life is little.  I have to really know and really be annoyed with someone in order to truly roast him.  I do find him funny and good-natured, so I thought about going to just watch and enjoy the event. Then another comedy friend invited me to join her and another friend at the roast.  So now I was definitely going.

 

Up until the day of the roast, I assumed there'd be lots of people roasting and there'd be a tight schedule.  Then on the day of the roast, I thought what would I do or say if he saw me and insisted on me going up.  I started to get anxious.  I didn't want to end up on stage without a thing to say except, "I wasn't supposed to be up here."

I tried to think in terms of roasting.  It is somewhat foreign to my insides though I do watch and laugh at the roasts on Comedy Central.  I know myself enough to realize I was probably not going to come up with anything in a matter of hours if it was not coming from my own need.  So I decided to just look at where I naturally go with the idea of roasting this man.  I let myself free associate...

 

 

roasting ... chestnuts roasting on an open fire ... heat ... nuts ... heating nuts … think I can work with that …   

                                                                                                

                                                                                                  

I was late to the roast which really pissed me off because I missed performances of comics I like to watch. I sat with the two women I was to meet.  Someone was on stage performing. The roasted was on stage too, sitting on a chair. At some point, I leaned to my friend and said that the birthday man looks good.  She agreed and said that he's a good-looking man.  Then we both leaned in and, in chorus, said, "It's the dimples."  Women and dimples -- it's a thing.

The roasters weren't very experienced at roasting either, but all were familiar with the birthday man and did a decent or better than decent job. At some point, I was discovered and told that I’d be going up.  "I don't roast," I said, "I'm just watching."  I was again told I was going up, and again I said that I don't roast.  The next person introduced was a young man who didn't know until that day that he'd be doing this, but he embraced the challenge, had a jovial attitude and did what he could.

I was introduced next.  Oh my goodness.  Well, here we go.

"Hi I wasn't supposed to be up here. In every group I am part of, I am the odd one.  And even now, when I think of roasting, I think of chestnuts roasting on an open fire.  I don't really want to insult someone I like.  So I’ll show you how I roast a man."  (I should have said “a good-looking man.”)

I walked away from the mic and straight to the birthday man.  He looked a bit apprehensive.  The audience was oohing.  I took a seat on his lap, put my arms around him, and wrapped a leg around his. He was very welcoming and totally surprised.  We hugged all snuggly.  The audience, all people who knew the birthday man, giggled and sounded encouraging.  He is a good hugger.  I think I at least warmed some nuts.

                                                                                                                         

                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                                   

 

Mindy Matijasevic