AUDITIONS STINK BIG TIME!

By Lisa Harmon

If you’re thinking of going on an audition let me save you the carfare right now and tell you to just bang your head against a wall in your apartment.

Auditions stink big time.  So many times in this business we don’t even know what we’re auditioning for.  Vague promises of stage time most of the time.  But when I was a beginner, I took these auditions seriously. 

Even if I was to pass these auditions, I suspect I’d be invited to turn in avails which would then be ignored.  Or I would be offered spots at 1:30 in the morning which no normal person, including me, would ever want.

Even still I never pass auditions.  I have great sets.  I’ve won some contests.  I get bookings here and there off my online videos, but I don’t recall having passed a live audition.

One guy dismissed me upon sight.  I don’t think he heard a word out of my mouth.

Another group asked me for more material after I finished my three-minute audition.  I was a newbie and went blank.

At another audition some bitch shot me a look.  I shot it right back.  Guess who I was auditioning for?

Auditions in front of audiences are another story.  I’ve had great ones and I’ve had shitty ones.  The most hostile audience I’ve ever faced was at an audition.  A miserable creep in the front row yelled NO to the first question I asked and it was downhill from there.  I got the light after two minutes.

Auditions are subjective.  I try to choose the right material to do for the audition.  If I am  auditioning in a club situation, well, I have to go with my club material.  It might not be my smartest stuff, but it works in the clubs.  I’m assuming the club’s having people audition in front of an audience to see how they do with the audience (as opposed to how well the comic writes).

If I’m auditioning in front of a panel of a few industry professionals, I feel I can get straight into my most esoteric, thoughtful or edgy material.  In this situation I’d probably be doing my own favorite jokes.  This is the hip crowd.  These people should know good material when they hear it.  These are the types of auditions that can really go great sometimes.  I prefer these in a way, because I know somehow that funny people will respect my jokes.  Sometimes an audience will reject you on your looks or their mood, but professionals usually know and respect good joke writing.

Now I rarely audition.  I won’t subject myself to the stress and aggravation.  The planning and the hopes and the nerves.  Unless there is something serious that someone has to offer, I don’t need to go through all that.

I can stay home and bang my head against my own wall.