Suicide Rainbow Battle Pony

Ah, heckling. A battle of egos, a who’s who of drunken audience members. It’s not my thing to make fun of the audience, no matter how stupidly intoxicated or just stupid they may be. The main reason for this is, if I unleash my fury… I go in for the kill. I’m talking Your-mom-never-loved-you’s, or Shut-up-you-anorexic-piece-of-cunt’s. Really mean things that aren’t that funny. So I just stay out of it because I’m incapable of a middle ground.

The most uncomfortable thing that has ever been shouted out to me was at a show in Reading, PA: The slime mecca of the universe (I can say that, I lived a few hours away from there once).

I do a joke about my mother, it goes something like this:
My mom was diagnosed with depression in her 20’s. It was really bad when I was a kid. The moment where I realized that she was different from other people’s moms is when my first grade teacher took my class down to the local radio station and made us do a live radio spot, telling all the listeners things our moms like to do.

First Kid: Hi, I’m Suzie and my mommy likes to go to the beach and make bird feeders out of pinecones!!!!

Second Kid: Hello I’m Issac and my mom likes to paper mache Chanukah decorations and make hexagonal origami shapes!!!!!

Me: Hi, my name is Krystyna and my mom likes to lock herself in her room and take really long naps.

So, I tell the joke and this kid in the audience yells THAT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!

I go, “Uh… excuse me?”

“I said that’s NOT funny.” And then points to his friend next to him, “His dad just killed himself last week because he suffers from depression.”

To which I said,

“Wow, he actually killed himself? Well my mom tried but didn’t succeed so… I guess you win this round.”

Aaaaaaaaaand, scene.
(PS, I titled this entry based on the first four words that popped in my head when I looked out my window. I live in Murray Hill.)

xoxoxKrystyna

She So Funny