CAN EVERYONE JUST CHILL OUT?

By Lisa Harmon

Life in NYC is more hectic than ever!  There are so many more people here now!  Some random, various implications of this influx: 

Crazy people.  More people = more crazy people.  Same deal, only MORE.

More beggars, more proselytizers, more politicians with dick pics.

No longer able to get high in the park.  Why not?  Everyone here is on edge.  Let’em smoke up.  Especially if they’re packing.

Aggressive drivers.  All my life I’ve been waiting for one of these to smack up in front of me but it never happens.  That’s why I do not believe in karma.  Please stop driving like that.  You’re a total A-hole and I know I’m not the first person to tell you that.

Aging in NYC is not easy. 

New Yorkers do not do laundry like normal human beings.  We have to take our dirty heavy clothes at least 3 blocks and possibly a staircase to get to a laundromat.

Parking:  We park 14 – 37 blocks away from where with live.  This was annoying in my 30’s.  Now its giving me rheumatoid arthritis.

Kitty litter.  Seriously.  Who thought this was a good idea?  Can’t they pee into a vaporizer chamber or something?  Seriously!

Cat food:  Ditto.  Why do I still have these creatures living here?  I’m clearly too old and indifferent to care for them.

And generally speaking, have you noticed that everything is a crazy contest?  That’s right.  Look around you:  reality shows, politics, your office job, its all one big crazy contest!  To see who can be the most outrageous.  I can’t compete with that!  First off I don’t drink so right there I’m at a disadvantage.  Oh and besides that I try to  behave with some level of class and composure (not successfully, but at least I try), especially on tv.  (I sit just like Kathy Griffin!)

Everyone’s so offended all the time.  What are they so pissed off about?  I never see them riding the damn F train!  I mean so many people are supposedly all bent out of shape - but the rich ones are the best!  They have everything but they’re still very displeased with the status quo.  The technical term for this is idiot.

And finally, my suggestions for improving our quality of life.  You’re welcome, NYC.

The following must be outlawed:

Using public transportation before showering (with soap!) and changing into clean clothes.

Farting and/or clipping nails in public.

Kids on Razors.

Old people on Razors.

Old people.

Kids.

People who wear clothes that tell you their religion.  (I don’t care which style of female oppression you’re into.  You’ve got to go.)

Reckless drivers.

Mean old ladies.

Touchy-feely people, esp. guys

People who refer to their pets as their children.

Vegetarians that eat fish.*

*Not outlawed, just illegal to call themselves vegetarians.

OK so if you all could step into line here, I think I may possibly avert a nervous breakdown for maybe another month or so.  So, thanks everybody.  Just chill out.