Heck-lahs

TheFreeDictionary.com definition:

heck·le  

tr.v. heck·led, heck·ling, heck·les

1. To try to embarrass and annoy (someone speaking or performing in public) by questions, gibes, or objections; badger.

2. To comb (flax or hemp) with a hatchel.

n. heck*ler

1. Someone who tries to embarrass you with gibes and questions and objections.

Now, from UrbanDictionary.com:

heckler

a person who says shit while someone is trying to do stand-up comedy to screw him up cuz he's an asshole or if the act completley sucks.

*”completely” was spelled incorrectly on the site. I made no changes.*

Either definition works for me.  I love hecklers.  I will explain.

I am a very aggressive person and I don’t get around to psychotherapy as much as I should.  I have no problem taking out my shit on someone who wants to “help out” my act from their seats.  I love it when I confront a heckler after a show and he/she will say, “I was just trying to help you out”.  I DON’T NEED ANY FUCKING HELP…thank you anyway.  I can be mean…really mean.  I grew up in a very mean family.  I have mean running through my veins and am always waiting for an opportunity to spray that mean all over anyone who may or may not deserve it.  Sometimes my response is funny, sometimes awkward…either way, I feel better.  

My hecklers are not limited to one gender.  I have had one older woman stand up and say, “you depress me!!!”, then she stormed out of the venue (I was talking about how I wish that I had a ballsac, so I could star in teabag porn.  I think “depress” was not the word she was looking for).  I had another woman tell me that I “make her not proud to be a woman” (I think I was showing the cellulite on the back of my legs from eating fat free hot dogs 5 times a day).  I’ve had a man say, “Yo, you is stupid”.  He got me with that one.

I am also known to turn a possible non-heckler into a heckler.  If an audience member is having their own conversation while I am on stage, I want to be a part of it.  It usually ends with me saying, “shut the fuck up!!’ and the audience member leaving the show.

In conclusion, if you ever see me perform, please, feel free to join in.  I’m sure that I will have missed therapy by a couple of months at that point.  Yo, my shrink is expensive and shit!

 Bring it on, you weird looking old men.  I would say something like, "what the fuck is wrong with your faces and shit?".  Golden.